


Under Falling Leaves

by germanjj



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Alternative Universe, Wincest - Freeform, hints of mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-03
Updated: 2012-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:44:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/germanjj/pseuds/germanjj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts during shooting the fifth season of Supernatural. It starts with Jensen having nightmares and Jared trying to be a good friend. It starts with two guys finding themselves at a changing point, with one feeling like his life is turning upside down and with the other not being able to do anything but watch. But it's nowhere near where it ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure you like both pairings and you should be fine.
> 
> Just like in all my real person fictions, Kim Manners is making a short cameo

~+++~

_"You know I could run. I could run so far away I'd never see you again. I could never touch you again, never speak to you again."  
He looks up, emotion thick in his voice.  
"But you know what? It wouldn't do a damn thing to change the fact that I'm in love with you. It's already too late, Sammy."_

~+++~

"Dude? Why are you up?" Jared's mumbled voice carries from the hallway and, a second later, he stumbles into the kitchen, his eyes still half-closed and his hair standing in all directions. He looks ridiculous, all overgrown and built, yet still like a little boy.

Something warm flutters through Jensen's stomach, familiar and not unexpected. Jensen shoves it to the side, buries it deep down inside him without even thinking about it.

"Just a nightmare."

Jensen grabs a bowl from the cupboard and gestures with it to Jared, who nods. It's not the first time they've met in the kitchen in the middle of the night to eat leftovers.

He pours some of last night's Chinese food into Jared's bowl while the other man flops down ungracefully on one of the chairs. "Dreaming about Dean again?" Jared asks, yawning, and Jensen nods without looking up.

That isn't something new either. Jensen often used to dream about his work - hell, that's normal every now and then - but in the last few weeks dreams about the show and Dean and Sam have gotten more intense. And not just jumbled, not-making-sense dreams either. His siblings always mocked Jensen for having the most vivid, movie-like dreams and it's no different with the dreams he's currently having. They are like hidden scenes between episodes, missing moments between Sam and Dean.

And, just like dreams do sometimes, they feel way too real.

"You gonna be okay?" Jared asks when they've finished; nothing but comfortable silence shared for the last couple of minutes.

Jensen shrugs his shoulders, feels sleep tugging at him again, and he hopes that he won't dream anymore this night.

"Dude, if it's getting worse, wake me up, alright?"

Jensen smiles at Jared's words, and when he looks up, he sees that his friend means it.

"Thanks, man," he says. "But I'm gonna be okay. Get some sleep. I'm keeping you up enough as it is."

"Alright." Jared blinks lazily and then turns to his bedroom, Sadie already waiting at the top of the stairs, obviously checking what her daddy is up to in the middle of the night.

"Come on, girl," Jensen hears Jared call her softly when his friend has reached her, petting her head while passing by and making her move. He watches them disappear around the corner before he finally starts heading for his own bed.

~+++~

The next morning doesn't seem to be better. Jensen feels tired to the bone, echoes of his dreams showing up every time he closes his eyes. Bright lights and dark places. Fire. Screaming. It's what he pictures what hell is like.

Clif is driving today and Jensen is grateful for that. He only manages to crawl onto his seat in the car before his eyes slip shut again. He feels Jared next to him; swears he can even feel the worried glances he's shooting him, but Jensen is too tired to care right now.

"You ready?" Clif asks from up front and, thankfully, Jared answers for them both, telling Clif to start the car.

"Maybe you should take a day off, Jensen," Jared says finally when they are halfway to their destination and Jensen cracks an eye open.

He shakes his head weakly. "I told you I'm fine, Sammy," he answers.

Jared stays silent after that and the rest of their drive. Only later, when they're shooting a scene with a dialogue very similar to their conversation in the car, Jensen realizes what he called Jared.

~+++~

The cold water drips from his face, but it does nothing to help him with the dizziness, with the heat crawling up his skin. Jensen grabs the sink with both hands and forces himself to breathe.

God, he doesn't know what's wrong.

He just knows that he keeps waking up like this, confused, sweaty; feeling like he's losing ... orientation. Himself.

It's peacefully dark and quiet and Jensen refuses to look at the clock that would only tell him how damn late it is and how he only has three or four hours of sleep left before he has to get up again.

He leaves his bathroom and wanders through the house, careful not to make noise, tries to calm himself down.

It's a physical effort to stay away from Jared's room and that's what scares Jensen the most. The urge to wake his friend up and make Jared stay with him, keep him company. Jensen feels like he's six again, afraid of the dark and still crawling into his parents' bed after a nightmare.

He can't get the pictures out of his head and, even worse, this pain he feels from his chest. He keeps dreaming about Sam and Dean. About the fear Dean has of losing his brother.

If Dean was real.

_'I just ... I don't believe.'_

_'In what?'_

_'In you.'_

The lines just keep running through his head and Jensen swears silently that he is not letting himself get in so deep next time, the next shoot, the next emotional scene that could rip him apart. He is not letting it get to him so much. Yet he feels like he hasn't shaken off Dean completely and the pain of saying those words to his own brother still rips through him.

"Get the fuck out of my head," Jensen whispers to himself, but when he takes in his surroundings, he finds himself in front of Jared's bedroom door.

He doesn't even try to stop himself from going in this time.

Thankfully, Jared is not a light sleeper and Harley and Sadie only blink at Jensen once before they turn around and fall asleep again.

Jensen feels weird and creepy, leaning against the doorframe and watching his friend sleep. But also, he finally feels calm, feels something quiet settle over him. Jared is lying spilled across the bed, his legs and arms showing out from under the covers, his face tilted towards the door. The streetlights outside throw just enough light in the room so Jensen can see him.

Jared's features are soft and peaceful and Jensen breathes a little easier again.

This is Jared, not Sam. He isn't in danger of going darkside, he isn't bitter and angry and self-righteous. He's just Jared. And he's happy.

Jensen hates that his nightmares make him forget that sometimes.

He doesn't know how long he stands there, watching his friend. But when he finally feels a deep tiredness inside him, he shuffles out of the room and closes the door quietly. He tries not to acknowledge that this isn't the first time he's done this.

And fortunately, he doesn't know that inside Jared's bedroom, Jared has opened his eyes in the dark, throwing a worried glance at the door. It's not the first time Jared has done that either.


	2. two

~+++~

"Cut! Jensen, what's wrong? You're supposed to look a little scared, not like you gonna kill the devil right this second," the director shouts, pissed off, because it's the third time now and Jensen fumes inside.

It's just ... he can't stand to watch Mark waltz into the scene, cocky half-smile on his face and looking like he owns the world.

Deep down he knows it's stupid but right now, he can barely stop himself from bursting out with his anger.

"We're taking five!" Jared suddenly announces from behind him and then a gentle but firm touch to the small of his back pushes him forward.

Adam and Rekha are throwing them weird, nervous looks, and they both take a step back to let them through.

They don’t speak a word all the way to Jensen's trailer, but Jensen knows that he’s fucked up, can feel it in the quiet tension that is seeping out of Jared's body.

"You care to explain what that was all about?” his friend demands as soon as the door is closed. He’s looming over Jensen, concerned and angry and Jensen can’t deal with either.

“It’s nothing, alright? Mark just pisses me off!”

“What?” Jared looks at him incredulously. “Since when? Jensen, you love that guy!”

Something like disgust makes Jensen’s stomach churn. “I don’t!”

Jared looks more spooked with every second. "Yes! Yes, you fucking do!" He makes a pained sound, like he doesn't know the man in front of him and even through all the anger, Jensen is scared that maybe Jared really doesn't anymore.

"Jensen, you really, really love Mark. You love working with him and even if you didn't, you never would have acted the way you just did!"

"I didn't fucking act any differently than I always do!" Jensen shouts, feeling the need to defend himself even though the little voice inside his head is not so little anymore and it's screaming at him that Jared's right.

"Jesus, Jensen, what the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a spoiled brat out there and it's not the first time either!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" 

Jared reaches for Jensen's shoulder, makes him look in his eyes. "You acted the same way with Kurt the last time he was here. You've been moody since then and you've been snapping at Pellegrino and Sheppard and whoever just looks at you the wrong way."

"I fucking do not!"

"Do you even hear yourself?!" Jared shakes him, not too hard and not too rough, but Jensen has had enough, and wriggles out from his friend's grip.

“Just don't fucking touch me all the goddamn time, alright?” 

Jensen regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth. He sees the hurt flicker over Jared’s face, feels it tug at his own heart for a second. 

But then Jared’s face changes, looking more worried than pissed or hurt.

"So you have a problem with me?" Jared's tone has changed completely, sounding careful and cold now, guarded.

"What? No! Jeez, no, okay?" And he doesn't. Truth is, Jensen has no idea what's wrong with himself lately and he doesn't want to act out on everybody but somehow he can't stop it.

He sighs deeply, rubs his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling good today," he explains weakly, knows Jared deserves more. Not to mention the amount of apologies the rest of the cast and crew deserve.

"It's okay, man. Everyone has the right to have a bad day, alright? Just try not to make everybody hate you out there while you're at it, okay?" It's meant as a joke and Jared's actually attempting a lopsided smile at him, but Jensen only feels worse.

He hangs his head, claps Jared on his chest and moves pass him.

His friend can read him enough to leave him alone.

He can feel every pair of eyes on him when he crosses the set. The ones he catches almost all have nothing but concern for him and that makes him feel even more like an ungrateful bastard than before.

"I'm sorry," a soft voice says behind him.

“What?” Jensen turns around to find Misha looking up at him, a frown on his face.

"I'm sorry you're feeling so bad," the other man says seriously, tilting his head to the side and for a second he looks more like Castiel than he does in character sometimes but that's ridiculous and Jensen remembers that this is Misha he's talking to. This man surprises him on his worst days.

Jensen doesn't know what to say, only nods thankfully and walks on, not quite shaking the feeling that Misha keeps looking at him all the way until he vanishes around the next corner.

~+++~

It's two days later and Jensen can still feel Jared's gaze on him every time the other man thinks he can get away with it. His worried eyes follow Jensen's every move and there are a few times Jensen wants to call him on it. But the questions that will follow after, the ones he's determined to avoid, make him stay silent.

Jared hands him a cold beer from the fridge, wordlessly, and switches on the TV. They've had dinner in one of their favorite restaurants, a quiet one, and headed home right after, silently agreeing on catching the game together. 

They don't exchange many words during the game. Just sip their beers, trying to follow along with the TV. Jared's the first to break the silence.

"So, there's something I gotta tell you," he starts, rubs his hands nervously on his thighs. 

"Okay, what is it?" Jensen turns towards him, eyes his friend carefully.

"I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ask Genevieve to marry me." Jared smiles nervously, his face a mix of hopeful and worried. And for a moment Jensen can't think of a reason why his friend would look worried, why he is nervous telling him about this.

Then Jared's words hit him.

"Wow, that's ... that's great, Jared," he answers, and he smiles despite the clenching in his guts he can't explain and the weird feeling filling up his belly. "That's great. I'm happy for you, man," he emphasizes and Jared's unease clearly fades and a beaming smile replaces it.

"Uhm, while we're at it." Jensen feels himself blush and contemplates for a second if this is the right time. But then he's waited two weeks already and he knows he shouldn't wait for a right time in the first place. Not with Jared.

"I actually bought a ring, too. You know for ... for Dani. I was gonna ask her soon. When the time feels right, I mean. She has two days off the weekend after next, so I was thinking of flying down and..."

He knows he's babbling but Jared stares at him and Jensen already wants to jump in, say something, anything, but then his friend breaks into a huge grin. "That's awesome! Jensen, why didn't you tell me?"

Jensen just shrugs because he doesn't know the answer to that.

But Jared has already moved on. "Wow. I ... I can't believe we're getting married, man! Married!"

Jensen laughs, feels his heart jump in his throat. "We haven't even asked yet, Jared. They haven't said yes yet," he reminds his friend but Jared's already jumping up, heading over to the kitchen.

"We should celebrate, man! I think we still have some wine and some champagne or something."

Jensen's heart doesn't stop pounding in his chest even when Jared's out of the room.

"Hey, do you want either...," Jared starts shouting, because he thinks Jensen's still on the couch, but Jensen already crosses the remaining distance between them in three steps, pulls his friend down with one hand on his collar and closes his lips over Jared's.

For a moment, time stands still.

Jensen feels like he’s waking up, like his first conscious moment is the second their lips touched and everything before that was just a blur. He doesn't remember making the choice, doesn't remember ever truly thinking about it before, but now he's here, standing in the kitchen, kissing his best friend. 

Jensen blinks his eyes open and pulls back little. Just enough so he can see Jared's face and his friend has his eyes closed and stays perfectly still.

He's gorgeous. Sharp, defined angles and soft, toned skin. His hair falling into his face and his lashes fanning over his cheeks. Jensen takes in the face that's so close in front of him and it looks new and different, like someone switched on a light and suddenly Jensen can see. But even more so he takes in the knowledge of what lies beneath that beautiful face. Of the person underneath.

Something hits him low in his stomach. Something more than just attraction and it's a scary feeling. Before he has time to think, he closes the distance again, slower now, feels the soft give of Jared's lips against his own. 

This time it’s more of a kiss than before. What hesitance Jensen feels melts under the heat coming from his friend's skin where they touch and he pushes forward, gently, coaxes Jared’s lips open and his whole body shudders when their tongues finally meet, careful but god, so good.

Jared pushes him away a second later. 

Jensen stumbles backwards, catches himself on the kitchen counter.

His friend stares at him with huge eyes, chest heaving in shock.

"I'm sorry," they both start in unison and stop, their eyes locked, the air sharp around them.

"Jensen, what..."

"Jared, I'm so sorry," Jensen stops him, his voice sounding nothing like his own. His heart is beating in his chest so hard that it's threatening to crash his ribs. "I shouldn't have done that, I don't know why..."

Jared breathes heavily, confusion written all over his face. "Why did you ... Jensen?" he asks, doesn’t even seem to register Jensen’s words.

"I don't know," Jensen repeats. He's right where Jared is, shocked and speechless and having no clue what just happened.

"Okay, this is ... uhm, wow." Jared lets out a shaky laugh. "I honestly don't know what to say."

His eyes move around the room, focusing on everything and nothing, but he won't look at Jensen and Jensen doesn't know what to say.

"I mean we can't ... uhm, I don't ... wow, I don't ... ."

"Jared, I'm sorry," Jensen says again because it's the only thing he knows for sure right now. "God, you were just telling me about you and Gen, and I ..."

Shocked eyes turn to Jensen. "Fuck, Gen!" Jared gasps, as if he's only thinking about her now, as if she hadn't been the reason why he'd pushed Jensen away in the first place. "She doesn't need to know, Jensen, right? They don't need to ..."

Jensen nods silently.

"That was just a fluke, right? Just panic, maybe? Marriage is a huge step, man." Jared laughs, makes an effort to shake this off and Jensen's grateful for it because his tongue still feels heavy in his mouth and his lips won't respond to him yet.

"Yeah, sure," he answers stiffly. He isn't able to think, isn't able to process anything more than 'I kissed Jared' and he feels like he's going to freak out. Like any minute now he will do something stupid. Something even more stupid than kissing his best friend.

"Okay, so uhm... we're good?" Jared asks and Jensen needs a few seconds to finally nod.

"Well," Jared goes on, "I think I should ... you know... go to bed. It's already late and uhm... yeah."

Jensen watches him leave, something breaking inside him, the only random thought in his head echoing, 'tomorrow is Saturday'.

~+++~

The moment he hears Jared's bedroom door click shut, he knows he can't stay. Something is itching under his skin, makes him edgy and unrecognizable to himself and what he just did ...

Jensen doesn't think about it much, just walks into his room, pulls out his duffle from the bottom of his closet, throws in some clothes and necessities and heads out into the kitchen. He writes Jared a quick note - "Going to see Chris. Back on Sunday. J" - and is out of the house before his beating heart has even the chance to calm down.

The tires screech on the asphalt as he leaves and he would feel embarassed about how cliché he's being, but right now he can't think. 

He's done something incredibly wrong and not just because of Danneel or Genevieve. But also because of them, Jensen and Jared, best friends forever, and all that stupid girly shit that still couldn't be more true. He has put everything at risk. Everything.

Jensen lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he sees the first sign pointing him to the airport. He's going to take the next flight to Chris' or hell, he's going to drive down there; and then clear his head, get it back on straight. Jensen groans and closes his eyes briefly at the bad pun.

But Chris will know what to do and say, or not say, and he will be better off with a change of scenery for the weekend and Jared will be grateful for a couple of days free of Jensen, especially after what he did.

Jensen keeps telling himself all this as he parks the car at the airport. Although he feels an uneasy shiver go down his spine at the look of one of these heavy machines that are flying in and out, and despite the even stronger pull at his guts of something he can't name, something that wants him to go back, something that almost makes him hurt thinking about leaving Jared, Jensen's steps are steady when he walks into the building.

~+++~

Jensen watches Chris vanish around the corner and he's suddenly back to where he was when he left on Friday. His flight is only leaving in an hour, but Chris has an important appointment and with Chris gone, so is the confidence he has built up over the last few hours.

Chris had helped him with that. One look at Jensen and Chris had been determined to make Jensen spill his guts.

It had taken him until today.

At first, Jensen hadn't felt like talking about it, hadn't felt like caring and sharing and talking about his feelings like a little schoolgirl. But this morning Chris hadn't taken his crap any longer and made Jensen spill out everything.

Jensen closes his eyes briefly and still feels his ears turn pink at the memory of saying it out loud. 'I kissed Jared'.

Chris had almost spilled his coffee. But he had listened to Jensen without interrupting and suddenly it all had flowed out of him. 

All of the past weeks of nightmares and insecurities, of mood swings and too much anger; they all had resulted in a kiss Jensen hadn't seen coming. But now, when he lets himself think about it for just a little, it maybe wasn't as surprising after all.

Chris had listened silently. And then, when Jensen had finished and gotten more things off his chest than he knew he was carrying around, Chris had asked just one question.

'Do you love him?'

At first, Jensen had wanted to laugh, because of course he did. It was Jared. 

But then Chris' serious glance had told him that he wasn’t going to get out of that so easily.

Jensen startles when two children run past him, laughing loudly as they play tag. When he looks around, he can even see two girls taking pictures of him, giggling behind their cellphones. But they don't come over and ask for autographs and Jensen's thankful for that. Waiting here to get onto these assembled pieces of metal that somehow are supposed to keep him up in the air is hard enough on its own.

He still doesn't have an answer to Chris's question.

He definitely loves Jared as a best friend, a brother, but more than that? Jensen doesn't know. Things like this haven't been on the table for him before, he never had occasion to consider the possibility of being bisexual and he definitely feels way too old to be considering it now.

Chris' words ring in his ear. How he shouldn't be thinking about stupid things such as liking dick all of a sudden or not. How he should care more about the fact that he might love someone other than the woman he plans to marry.

Thinking of Danneel snaps him back to reality. He feels terribly guilty. If he'd just taken the flight to see her instead of Chris, she probably would have laughed and called it cute if he had told her. They both would have brushed it off as some late experimenting and she would have forgiven him.

But he'd taken the plane to Chris. And this tells Jensen more than he's ready to admit right now.

Jensen takes a look at his cell, his gut clenching at the sight of an empty display. No call from Jared.

Jared had tried to reach him Friday night and almost the whole of Saturday. He had called and texted messages and tried to call again, but Jensen had refused to answer any of them. Now Jared seemed to have given up on him.

Jensen flips through Jared's messages, although he knows them by heart, feeling like a little girl doing this.

'Hey, I'm sorry, I overreacted, please call.'

'Jensen, please call me, alright? I absolutely overreacted and I'm sorry for that.'

'Come on, man, please don't avoid me, okay? This is stupid. We're friends, right? Things happen, we can talk about everything, okay?'

'Jensen, please, what's wrong? There's gotta be more than just the kiss. Talk to me, man.'

And then, there's one Jensen received this morning, way past midnight. 

'Jensen, if this wasn't just a fluke, we can still talk about this? Okay? We'll figure it out. I can't lose you, man.'

Jensen stares at the texts, reads them all again and then he flips his phone shut. 

The announcement of his flight makes Jensen stop his musings. He grips his duffel, but then he hesitates walking up to the gate. He's feeling the sudden urge to turn around. To not get into this freaking airplane. To go rent a car instead and drive all the way up to Vancouver. 

But then Jensen rolls his eyes about himself and starts walking. If his heart is speeding up and his hands are getting sweaty, he's just blaming it on the fear of facing Jared soon. 

Although he knows that's not entirely true.

~+++~

All the way from the airport Jensen's silently hoping that he will be alone at home, at least for a few hours, so he can try to think of what he will say to Jared, but as soon as he stops in front of their house Jensen can see that he has no such luck.

Jared's SUV is parked up front and when Jensen enters, he can see his friend's shoes and hears noises coming out of the living room.

Jensen takes his time in the hallway and then in his room. Puts everything away slowly, giving Jared time to make the first move, to break the ice.

But even as Jensen unpacks his duffel and stows everything away, washes his face and takes a bottle of water out of the fridge in the kitchen, Jared stays away.

Jensen sighs deeply. Just a few weeks ago everything had been fine and now he is knee-deep in this mess he doesn't know how he got in, least of which how to get out from. 

"So, do you want me to move out?"

Jared's soft-spoken question startles Jensen, makes him jerk around and when he finds his friend leaning against the door frame, fumbling with a pen in his hand, he reminds him very much of Sam. Brooding and defensive.

"What? This is your house, man! I should move out!" is Jensen's first panicked reaction. Then the words really sink in and feel like a kick to his stomach. "Do you mean it? Really?" he whispers, unable to look his friend in the eyes.

"No! Damnit!" Jared shouts, throws his arms up. "But I don't know what's wrong, man, and I can't help if you're not talking to me!"

Jensen gulps, feels the uneasieness, the wrongness that he had lost a little while at Chris's coming back full force. "There's nothing to talk about," he says and can't believe his own ears. "I don't know why you're thinking I'd want you to move out."

Jared stares at him a few seconds, incredulously, and for a moment Jensen thinks that's it, they are going to drop the whole thing and they can both go on, go back to their lives, and pretend the last few days never happened.

Jared doesn't let them.

"You kissed me and then you ran away, disappeared out of the fucking country for three days, man." Jared throws his hands in the air, just like he does when he's upset and angry. "What the hell was I supposed to think?"

Jensen stills. He's torn between keeping silent and telling Jared everything he knows: How confused he is, how off balance he feels when he wakes up every morning. How his heart beats faster every time he sees Jared, but how, somehow, it doesn't feel anything like just a stupid crush.

He wants to tell him how scared he is. That he's going to fuck this up, their friendship, Danneel, his work. He's had the perfect life and now he feels like he’s struggling to stay above water. 

He wants to tell Jared all that, but, at the same time, he feels himself closing up. Feels like someone else is settling over him, inside him, filling him up.

"We're not gonna talk about this," he says brusquely and turns around to not betray his words with the look in his eyes.

"Not gonna talk about it?" Jared says angrily and he's getting louder with every word. "Newsflash, Jensen, you're not Dean, okay?"

Jensen clenches his jaw and keeps silent.

But Jared keeps on going. "Dude, the last few weeks? You scared the living crap out of me, man. I'm not just talking about the kiss. This isn't like you! Please, if you need some help, whatever it is, just ask."

"I said, it's fine," Jensen bites out, turning to leave, but Jared catches his arm, makes him stop.

"Jensen." 

When Jensen turns to look at his friend, he can see Jared looking at him like a lost puppy, using his eyes, and he is maybe not even realizing he's doing it, but it gets to Jensen regardless.

"Look, I ...," he starts, feeling his anger and his defenses already ebbing away. "Maybe it's because it's getting serious with Dani, alright? Maybe that. I don't know. But don't ... don't make this something bigger than it really is, please."

Jensen feels like an ass for saying that; he can see in Jared's face how the words hurt him even though he tries not to show it. Jared is only worried about him and Jensen keeps acting like a jerk.

But he doesn't know how to say it right, how to do things right, because he still doesn't know what he feels. It's like there's something missing inside him, something aching to be filled, but whatever it is that is missing, it is slowly coming back and makes him feel foreign and different than his usual self. 

Like it's not a part of him or hasn't been for a really long time.

"Jared, I'm sorry. I know I fucked up. I know," he says as he catches his friend's eyes. "But don't you think it would be better if we just moved on and let this go?" He knows he's pleading, begging, but he can already see Jared's determination to make him talk weaken and that's all he needs right now.

"But are you sure that ... we're cool?" Jared asks after a while, his voice quiet now, hesitant. "You're sure there's nothing we have to discuss here?" He sounds nervous, he even blushes, and Jensen's actually kind of grateful that he isn't the only one feeling completely out of his depth.

"I'm sure," Jensen answers, his voice just a little rough, his words only halfway a lie.

~+++~

"Dude? Hey."

Jensen groans when he hears the words tugging at his conscience. He's more asleep than awake as someone touches his shoulder, pushes at him.

He acts out of instinct as his hand vanishes under the pillow, closes around something and pulls.

"It's you," Jensen groans, blinking at Jared and he feels his whole body relax. He's still tired, his eyes still drifting shut so that's why he doesn't notice the look of panic on Jared's face.

"Jensen," Jared says beside him and the sound of it, breathless and shocked, wakes him up in an instant. 

"What's wrong?" he asks and sits up, studies his friend's face.

Jared just points silently at something on Jensen's right and Jensen follows the direction.

He freezes.

There's a knife in his right hand, a bread knife, the one that's usually lying in one of the kitchen drawers. The one his right hand had just pulled out from under his pillow.

"Jensen?" Jared asks, his voice ten times too high. "Why do you have a knife?"

"I don't know," Jensen gasps and drops it immediately, like it's burning his hand. "I don't know," he repeats, his eyes shifting between Jared and the knife.

It's not quite true. He remembers a dream. Something about Dean woken by weird noises. In the dream he reached for the knife under the pillow, something he always kept there, and then he went downstairs to find what was disturbing his sleep.

Jensen doesn't remember more but he gets the feeling that his dream is connected to this somehow.

"Maybe I ... maybe I sleepwalked?" he offers but Jared only keeps on staring at him, like he's grown a third head.

"Jesus, Jensen," his friend finally breathes out. "This is fucking scary."

Jensen huffs. "You're telling me."

"You could have hurt yourself, man," Jared says and suddenly he sounds pissed, as if it's Jensen's fault.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Jensen hisses and now he's just as scared as Jared is, because his friend is right. He could have hurt himself. Or worse, he could have stumbled over the dogs and hurt them, he could have walked into Jared's bedroom ...

"Jensen, what's wrong with you?" Jared asks and this time he sounds pained and desperate.

Jensen doesn't have an answer.


	3. three

~++++~

Jensen glances over at Jared, notices his friend’s flushed face, the glassy eyes and the goofy smile, and he has to agree with Misha's proposal.

“Dude, he’s right,” he tells Jared, twice, because it takes touching his hand to make Jared shift his focus to Jensen, “we really should get going.”

Jared is only a moment away from full on pouting like a little kid. “It’s still early!” he intends to say but it comes out as a shout and Jensen cringes when he hears the other guests in the restaurant go silent while Misha just starts giggling again.

“Guys, we can totally keep sitting here now. We’re gonna get thrown out anyway in the next few minutes.” Misha grins, as if that's exactly what he's hoping will happen, and Jensen is decidedly happy about his decision to be the only-slightly-drunk person of their little group.

"Okay, that's it," he says, getting up from his chair. "Let's go."

It's not the first time they've done this. Whenever they have the time, they meet in some new restaurant they haven't yet checked out in town, but it always ends up with them drinking through the restaurant’s wine cellar. Sooner or later Jensen is afraid they will end up on some blog, three drunk-off-their-asses actors busted for ruining some nice little restaurant's interior, grinning at the camera like the fools they are.

Jensen deems it a win when he actually gets the two other guys walking without much further complaint. They share a cab and, not soon after, Misha is home safely, taken off Jensen's hands by an amused wife, and Jensen's pushing-pulling Jared towards their house.

The mood, however, has changed in the last few minutes.

Jared has gone from smiling dopily at nothing to staring openly at Jensen, a deep frown on his face.

Jensen hates it. It makes him uncomfortable, like he's too vulnerable under Jared's gaze, and he worries that he's probably responsible for putting that frown there in the first place.

"Why'd you do it?" Jared finally slurs, and Jensen almost doesn't hear him, too busy locking the door and putting his shoes and jacket away while Jared is still standing, swaying, in the hallway.

"What?" Jensen looks up and finds a lost look on his friend's face.

"Why'd you kiss me, Jensen?"

Jensen feels heat creep up his neck and he looks down guiltily. 

But Jared keeps on rambling, taking a few steps towards him until Jensen can feel his friend's breath puff against his face. 

"Why'd you kiss me and mess everything up?" Jared's voice breaks at the end and Jensen flinches, can't believe the damage he's done with one thoughtless action. "You kissed me and made everything ... compli.... complicated and .... and weird and so, so messed up."

"Jared, I'm ..." Jensen starts but Jared stops him by putting a hand on Jensen's face. 

"And I can't stop thinking about it, you know?" his friend whispers, making Jensen look up, and he feels the same flutter in his stomach he always feels when their eyes meet, only a thousand times stronger, sweeter. 

"And I shouldn't be thinking about it. God, I shouldn't be thinking about you like that, not ever, nonono. This is so wrong, I shouldn't be thinking about you that way. God, you have no idea, how much I shouldn't be thinking about you."

Jensen breaks their eye contact, thinks of Genevieve, of Danneel. He's done this to all four of them, pulled them into his own mess. 

But at the same time he hears what Jared is saying underneath it all, between the lines. And it terrifies him.

"Jared," he whispers, his throat locked. The hand on his cheeks burns and he isn't sure if he wants to push Jared away or ... or something else. He hasn't dared to think about this, to face what he's feeling, not even during the weekend he spent with Chris. And he can't now.

He takes a step back, takes a deep breath and puts some distance between him and Jared. "I'm sorry, man," he says, is voice surprisingly strong in his own ears. "It was a mistake and I didn't mean anything by it. I'm really, really sorry about it, Jared."

Jared stares at him, an unreadable expression on his face, and finally his friend nods, makes some uncertain steps past Jensen.

"You gonna be okay?" Jensen asks, too afraid to turn around and watch his friend stumble up the steps. It's not what he's asking about anyway.

"I think so," comes the raspy reply and Jensen closes his eyes and hopes that Jared will have forgotten about their conversation in the morning.

~++++~

When Jensen wakes up, it's not morning yet. His clock tells him it's seven minutes past four and he groans when he turns over and finds all his muscles aching. His head hurts a little, but it's nothing compared to the soreness of his arms and legs and torso. He feels like his whole body has been tense for the last few hours, like he had suffered cramps and spasms.

Fragments of his dream flash in front of his eyes and with them the memories of pain, of being pushed around, kicked, hit. He remembers every hit like he really took it and not like the choreographed fights they are really filming on set.

Now Jensen feels like it had been real, can feel the ache in his ribs every time he breathes. It's fading. It's an echo from the dream and it's fading already, but that doesn't change how it makes Jensen feel inside.

It doesn't stop the fear from crawling back up or Dean's guilt from nipping at him.

He's been in Dean's headspace for too long, feels like he's never able to shake him off completely like he used to, slipping in and out of him like a long worn jacket.

Now pieces of the character stay with him even after filming and as much as Jensen pulls and pries, Dean doesn't go away. Not completely.

Jensen hears noises upstairs, hears the light being switched on and then the unmistakable sound of feet moving. 

Jared.

Jensen closes his eyes in the dark, a different kind of fear and guilt filling him up now.

There's no going back from the mistake he made, no easy way out of the mess he's created.

He wishes he could take it all back, could undo the kiss somehow. 

Jensen groans and stops his thoughts willingly. He's been there. He’s been there so many times and it doesn't help thinking about it over and over and over. It's not going to change anything.

Jensen hears the flush of the toilet, the running of water, and then the light being turned off.

And only in the very dark, when it feels like the house is sleeping again, he eventually lets himself remember the kiss itself. He allows himself to linger a few seconds on how it had felt. Lets himself admit that the part of him that doesn't regret it, is much, much bigger than the rest.

~++++~

Jensen hears the click on the other end of the line and knows he's fucked it up. 

Danneel had been understanding, had accepted his reasoning - work is tough, he needs some sleep, no distractions, only a couple episodes to go and then he's free, they'll have all the time in the world - but she had been disappointed. Jensen has known her too long not to hear it in her voice.

He can't see the ring that's hidden in the top drawer a few feet away from him, but he doesn't need to. It still feels like it's glowing inside there, burning away, and Jensen can almost feel its fire on his skin.

"Jensen?" comes a soft whisper from the side and when Jensen looks up he can see Jared standing just outside his room.

"I was ... ." His friend's blushing, fumbling with the door. "I couldn't help but overhearing, sorry," he whispers.

Jensen nods vaguely, waiting for the rest, because Jared looks like he's about to say more.

"Did you cancel your weekend with Danneel?" Jared asks and to Jensen he sounds nervous.

"Yeah."

"Why? I mean, you don't have any other plans and wasn't it ... didn't you want to ask her this weekend?" 

He did. Jensen feels something coil in his stomach when he thinks about it. He's told Jared about the weekend, has mentioned the ring and his plans not two weeks ago but right now, those days feel like a lifetime ago.

"Are you ... are you calling it off?" Jared's voice stumbles.

"What? No, I'm ... no. Just ...." Jensen's eyes fall on his hands, still holding the cell phone. "No, I'm just ... waiting for the right time. This doesn't feel like it."

Jared nods quietly, but he doesn't look like he understands. His eyes are wide, nervous, and when Jensen meets them, he feels like they're having another conversation.

_'Are you gonna leave her? For me?'_

_'I don't know'_

Jensen swallows heavily and gets up, ready to walk past Jared to go into the kitchen or the living room, anywhere but here.

He pauses at the door. "Did you ask Genevieve yet?" Jensen asks and his voice sounds almost even, casual.

"Been waiting for the right time," Jared asks.

He doesn't sound casual at all. Jensen knows that Jared is just as scared as he is: That they could start having their silent conversations aloud.

~++++~

 _"Hey, that's enough," Dean shouts, pushes on his brother's chest and makes him stumble a few steps back._

_"Get out of my way," Sam says, tries to keep himself in control._

_"No."_

_"Get out of my way, Dean," Sam repeats, slowly losing it._

_"There's only one way to win and it ain’t by killing that thing."_

_Crowley walks up to them, looks from Sam to Dean. "Well, looks like you got him nice and fluffed."_

They're doing this take for the third time now, Robert, the director, is not exactly happy with the flow of the scene, and Jensen kind of hates it, doesn't know what riles him up so badly. But he can't stand it anymore, feels it crawling up his skin, itching.

This time, he snaps.

"Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch," he yells, not seeing Marks astonished face but Crowley, the demon, making fun of him and his brother, yanking their chains.

The cameras keep on rolling, the crew going with him at first, letting him do his thing.

"You say another thing about my brother and you can kiss your ass goodbye, you hear me?" He closes the distance between them, towering over the smaller man. 

"Cut!" Robert yells, but Jensen doesn't even register it.

Heat flares through him, balled up in anger and guilt and so much more than he can even begin to understand.

"Jensen," Jared says next to him, keeping his voice low, like he's talking to a wild animal.

"Shut up, Sam, I can handle this," Jensen says and he doesn't even recognize his own voice anymore, the words leaving his mouth not feeling like his own.

"Jensen, come on, man, come back here." Jared's voice stays the same, used to this, used to drawing Jensen out of character occasionally.

Mark just stares at him warily, not moving, and something like satisfaction floods through Jensen as he sees fear in the other man's eyes.

"Jensen," Jared comes closer, touches Jensen's arm.

"I told you, Sam, let me do this," he only growls as an answer, but then he's pulled away, turned around.

"Come back, man," Jared says to him and he's closer now, holding Jensen by his arms.

"Sam, let me go." He tries to sound reasonable, using his big brother voice. But it doesn't seem to work - only makes the taller man look angrier, more scared.

"Stop calling me Sam, okay? Jensen, you're freaking me out!"

Something switches inside Jensen's head again. It's deathly quiet around him and he can practically feel the eyes of everyone in the room on him. Jared still holds him, gripping his arms like he's afraid to let go and when Jensen turns his gaze to Mark, he sees him pale as a sheet.

He's not the only one.

People are staring open mouthed at him, and some of the girls are covering their faces with their hands. Robert looks confused, his eyes shifting between Jared and him, like he's waiting for Jared to do something.

"Jensen?" Jared asks as if to make sure it's him and Jensen feels guilty for putting that look of fear on his friend's face. He knows Jared hates it when Jensen keeps calling him Sam; it's one of the few things they actually fought about in the past.

Jensen nods jerkily, swallows past the lump in his throat. He feels exhausted, and it's only two in the afternoon, they haven't even done much filming today.

"I'll get him home," Jared announces, without asking permission, as if he's reading Jensen's face and no one interrupts him. They only step out of the way when Jared gently guides Jensen away from the set.

"I'm sorry," Jared tells Mark as they're leaving, apologizing on Jensen's behalf and Jensen would feel ashamed for that, but he's too busy feeling like he's crawling out of his head.

"No worries," Mark answers, nodding at them both. "Just get him home okay."

They are not bothered by anyone the time it takes for them to get to the car. Robert only exchanges a look with Jared, silently agreeing, although Jensen doubts anyone would have stopped either of them.

They don't exchange words on the way home and next to Jared's worried glances, there's something else Jensen feels.

Whatever is happening inside him, to him, isn't over.


	4. four

~++++~

The ring of his cell-phone startles Jensen so much, he kicks the table in front of him, causing an old vase to topple over and shatter. The dogs whine from where they are huddled in the corner, eyeing Jensen suspiciously, but not coming any closer.

Jensen knows they're scared, knows that they sense that Jensen is ... wrong.

The phone rings again and finally Jensen reaches for it, flipping it open without even checking for the caller-ID.

"Hey, you want me to bring take-out? I was thinking Chinese," Jared starts without preamble. They haven't used introductions since season two.

"I..."

"Or Thai would be cool, too. Whatever. I'm just damn hungry. Had to work the whole damn day while some other actor I won't name probably had his ass on the couch and started the weekend early."

"Uhm, I don't..." Jensen can't stop the uncertainty from flowing into his voice. Jared picks up on it immediately.

"Jensen, what's wrong?"

Jensen swallows heavily, forces himself to breathe. "Nothing, I don't ... .I just don't feel so good, man."

Jared gasps on the other end of the line. "Jeez, you sound horrible. Is something ... Do you need to call 911?"

There's a slight panic in his voice and Jensen feels awful for it, for putting it there, but his thoughts are racing like they're grasping for something, but every time he closes his eyes and tries to focus, he comes up ... blank. 

Only this elusive sense, this damn ... unknown feeling that cuts off the air in his lungs and makes his knees go weak grows bigger. 

Something is wrong with him. Something worse than just nightmares and headaches. He feels like his mind is throwing a temper tantrum against him, fighting its own body.

"Jensen! Jensen!" he hears Jared shout, almost scream, and he realizes that he must have drifted off in his head.

"I'm here," he croaks and feels ready to burst into tears. It scares him. It scares him so much that he doesn't know what's wrong with him. "I'm still here."

"Okay, man, I'll take the shortcut, okay? I'm just a minute away, I'll be there, alright?" Jared hurries to say, his words tumbling over each other. "I'll be there ASAP, Jensen, do you hear me? Just stay where you are, okay? Jensen, just stay!"

~+++~

~+++~

~+++~

Jared shuts his phone and stops the car in front of his house. 

Once he's inside, he lets the front door fall shut behind himself and the first thing he notices is the silence lying in the air like a thick blanket, covering the walls and furniture and the floor, echoing in his ears. The house is dark except for the hall light he just switched on, no sign of anybody being here although he knows Jensen can't be too far away.

He feels the hairs on his arms and neck stand up - instinct, maybe, or fear kicking in.

Where he had been hurried and eager to get to Jensen as soon as possible, he's now hesitant and careful.

He takes a few tentative steps forward, just enough to reach the door to the living room, where he can peer through once his eyes have adjusted to the dim light spreading beyond the entrance of the room.

Harley and Sadie are by his side immediately, rushing out of the shadows, their paws clicking on the hardwood floor. 

Jared's heart speeds up. 

His dogs are silent, their tails hanging low, whimpering sounds escaping their throats.

Jared has rarely seen his babies confused and scared like that, their fear only fueling his own. 

He pats Sadie's head absentmindedly, makes shushing noises to calm them down; his eyes trying to glance into the dark. They find a figure sitting on the couch Jensen's silhouette almost not visible from where Jared is standing, but familiar enough to be noticed.

Jared takes another few steps, is swallowed up by the darkness of the room. His dogs are getting more nervous behind him. He hears them whine, huddled together in the safe light of the hallway.

Blood rushes through his ears; his eyes never leaving the man in front of him. He's looking up at him now and their gazes lock with each other.

Jared feels like he can't breathe.

Oh, God. 

_Oh, God._

"Dean?" The name falls from his tongue heavy and foreign. He's said it countless times over the past few years, annoyed, mocking, angry, desperate; but never, not once, has it hurt this much, has it stirred something inside him so heavily that it made his hands tremble.

"You tell me," the other man answers, his voice just that bit lower, that bit rougher and Jared _knows_ who he's talking to.


	5. five

~+++~

Jared feels like he's going to faint. There's heat creeping up the back of his neck, dots dancing in front of his eyes, and the only reason he isn't falling over is that he can't take his eyes off the man in front of him. He doesn't dare move, to even blink; too scared this couldn't be real, just a dream, and Jared would never see him again.

"What the hell did you do, Sam?" Jensen asks, and the name out of his mouth sounds right this time; a subtle change, nothing anyone else would have noticed. But Jared's chest tightens and his throat closes around a lump upon hearing the name, hearing Dean say it.

"It is you, Sam, right?" Jensen asks and, just then, Jared hears the uncertainty behind it, the fear. 

Jared takes a shaky breath, wanting to answer, but he can't make a sound. 

The answer sits in the tip on his tongue, has been sitting there for almost his whole life. 'Yes', he wants to say, 'yes, I am Sam, I am your brother, Dean, but you haven't been mine for all those years.' Jared shakes with it; the knowledge that all this time he's been hiding, been pretending that he doesn't remember who he really is, breaking down the walls inside him.

Jared nods, slowly, and feels like his world is crashing down around him.

“Good,” Jensen breathes out, his eyes fluttering closed for a second and it is Jensen doing that, letting the emotions show on his face.

It is Jensen.

And it is _Dean_.

Jared feels like he's going to be sick, his stomach rebelling against his body. 

“So what did you do, Sam? What happened?” Jensen doesn't look up at him and instead Jared watches the other man staring fixedly at nothing. Shoulders tensed, like he's bracing himself for the worst.

“Did you make another deal?” Jensen laughs a humorless laugh and he sounds so much like Dean, like his brother, that it hurts Jared to the core. “What the hell did you sell this time? Because this has to be a huge-ass deal.”

“No deal,” Jared whispers and it is all he is able to say.

"Then what? What is this, Sam?"

"What do you remember?"

"I remember you jumping into that hole with Adam; Lucifer and Michael still riding you both. I remember showing up on Lisa's doorstep." He swallows heavily. "And then I ... I remember when my mom got out of the hospital with Mackenzie in her arm, so tiny, only two days old. Josh was sitting beside her on the backseat. It was the first time I was allowed to sit next to Dad up front."

Jared nods, Jensen's memories not being much different from his own. He remembers jumping, falling, and then his big brother Jeff and how they both got the same toys for christmas, little red trucks with blinking lights, and they kept playing with them for days.

Jared coughs, pulls himself back from the memories. "I ... I was freed. From hell, I mean. I don't know who dragged me out ... exactly, but I got out." He looks at his brother, drawing in a shaky breath and he still can't believe this is happening. 

This isn't supposed to. Jensen isn't supposed to remember.

"Then he came to me, told me that I had one free wish. And now ... here we are." He makes an empty gesture, suddenly afraid, suddenly Dean's little brother again. 

Jensen's eyes narrow. "Who came?" he asked.

Jared hesitates, bites his lip. "Gabriel." He shoots Jensen a wary grin. "Seems like God likes his angels alive."

Jensen takes that information with only a frown. "And what did you wish for?"

"A second chance." Jared swallows heavily. "For all of us."

"Wow," Jensen barks out a laugh that chills Jared to his bones. "So this is what we got? A normal life? For all of us? Even the demons and the dick-angels? Does that sound fair to you?"

Jared shakes his head. "Vessels, remember? It's their vessels that get a second chance. This world has nothing supernatural in it."

"You sure? Last world wasn't so tuned in on all the stuff, either, as far as I remember."

Jared sighs, whines. This is too much, too soon, too unexpected. "I checked. As soon as I was old enough to understand, I checked. There's nothing unnatural here. I promise."

Jensen keeps looking sternly at him. "So we got this perfect little world? That's our reward?"

"It's not perfect. People are still people. It's just another life. A chance at normal."

Jensen nods shakily, his eyes fluttering. "God," he breathes. "I don't even know ... I don't even know where to start." He gets up, moves his hand over his face repeatedly.

Jared can only stand there and stare at him, still feeling like he's going to pass out any second. He wants to touch, he wants to ... make sure that this is real, that _he_ is real, because this ... this can't be happening. Not out of the blue like this, not after all these years.

"I need to get out." Jensen suddenly announces, makes a beeline for the door and that shakes Jared out of his daze.

"No, wait," he says, a little too loudly.

But Jensen keeps on walking, puts his shoes on and grabs his jacket, the front door open before Jared can't really process what's going on.

That he is leaving.

"Jensen, wait, where are you going?" Jared pleads, fear flashing through.

The other man doesn't answer, doesn't even show a sign that he's heard him.

"Jensen?" Jared runs after him over their front lawn, only catching the door of Jensen's SUV in time before his friend can slam it shut.

"Come on, man, Dean, wait, okay?" Jared pleads, quieter this time, dimly aware of the show they're giving the neighbors should anyone see them.

Jensen actually stops, shoots Jared an empty smile and starts the car. "See? That makes two of us. I don't know who I am either."

And with that Jensen pulls the car door from Jared's hands, closes it and drives off.

"Dean! Dean!" Jared shouts after him, but it's stupid and pointless and Jared is absolutely lost.

"Dean," he keeps saying, quietly to himself, tasting the name, letting himself feel it for the first time in a very, very long time.

~+++~

When Jared blinks his eyes open, the ceiling above him is familiar. The couch he's lying on feels exactly the same like it did when they bought it, the soft snoring of his dogs in front of him is nothing new. But the world… the world is a changed one.

Jared's back hurts when he swings his legs to the floor. His eyes fly to his cell phone first, notices the time - eight-thirty - and the lack of messages or calls.

He's spent almost the whole night texting and calling Jensen, _Dean_ , and the battery on his phone is almost dead. But Jensen hasn't answered and he hasn't come home.

Jared sighs and buries his head in his hands. 

There's a pain in his heart that comes from both relief and fear. From the sudden absence of the missing part inside him and the presence of the same thing that he had longed to fill it with.

Dean.

Anything and everything, always and forever, comes down to that one name, that one person.

Dean.

Jared, _Sam_ , can't believe he's here. That he got his brother completely back after such a long time. And as much as he's itching to burst into happiness, into tears of joy of finally, finally having him back, Jared is scared to the core of who he might lose as a result.

Everything is open right now, new cards on the table. 

And the outcome unknown.

A short bark grabs his attention and when Jared looks around, he can see Harley and Sadie standing patiently at the kitchen door, wagging their tails.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry." Jared jumps up, guilt flashing through him. It only gets worse when he fills their bowls to the brim and watches them devour their food in no time.

He lets them out in the backyard after, not willing to leave the house for a short run with them in case Jensen comes back.

It hits him again. The knowledge that Jensen is not just Jensen anymore. His mind keeps forgetting, keeps pushing it back and lets it slip up in waves. Jared doesn't know if he'll ever get used to it. Looking into Jensen's eyes and seeing also his brother, finally looking back.

The pain is hot and sharp in his heart - too fresh, too much - he can't even tell if it's good or bad, if he's happy or sad. He only knows he's not ready to process it fully right now.

He knows that he hadn't wanted this then. That the deal had been different. That he'd chosen something else.

Jared spends most of the day waiting with his phone in his hand, hoping to hear from Jensen, and out with his dogs, trying to entertain them. Neither works. Jensen, Dean, doesn't call, doesn't send a text, and by the end of the day Jared swears his dogs are royally pissed at him for the lack of undivided attention and they act it out by taking up all of Jared's bed and sleeping noisily with their backs turned towards him, once he finds them.

Jared lets them steal his bed and goes back to staring at his phone, cleans up the broken vase on the living room floor and then stares at the clock on the kitchen wall and tries to stop his mind from going to the "what-if"s.

What if Jensen doesn't come home? What if he hates him for not telling Jensen who he really is, who they are? What if he drops out of the show, out of Vancouver, out of Jared's life - for good?

Jared feels anger tug at his heart, feels it burning down his veins. It still happens like this. Anger always gets him first, but he's learned how to deal with it, learned to tear it away and look at what he's really feeling. Sadness, disappointment, weakness.

It's different today.

This time, he's letting the rage take him instead of working past it; an old feeling, still familiar, still stale and painful but more relieving than he remembers.

"Gabriel!" he shouts into the emptiness of the room, his voice strong and demanding. It echoes off the walls, rings in his ears. He's only done this a handful of times. Back then, when everything suddenly became clear. When he held his first script of "Supernatural" in his hand, when he suddenly knew that he wasn't crazy, that it all made a wicked kind of sense. His voice had been terrified back then, but Gabriel had come.

Another time, out of rage like today, when he had seen Jensen go through what Dean had already suffered, when he had seen his brother being ripped to shreds again. Although it had only been fake blood and, later on tv, CGI; it had almost broken him apart. Jared had screamed for the archangel and the angel had come.

"Gabriel! Get your fucking ass here, Gabriel!" 

He keeps on shouting when nothing happens and he only gets angrier. "I know you can hear me!"

"Jeez, if some paparazzi stop by you going to have to explain why I'm in your home, man."

Jared swivels around to find Richard, _Gabriel_ , sitting on his kitchen table, grinning up at him. 

"Why the hell did you do that? Do you think it's funny?" he attacks him right away, just wants this grin wiped off the other man's face.

Richard raises his hands in defense. "Whoa, hey, hey! What is it with this rage, Sam? Don't you think that's a little too past-life?"

"Stop the fucking show and tell me why you did it!" Jared towers over him but the angel's grin only falters a little.

"Did what exactly?"

"Jensen knows," Jared growls, can barely keep his body under control. Back then, back in the other life, losing control could have meant more damage than today, but still … Jared keeps on fighting himself.

"He knows what?" Richard frowns now and the wall of Jared's anger cracks, just a little

"Who he is. Who he was." Richard stares at him with wide eyes, pales, but Jared still can't believe him. 

"Why did you do it? That wasn't part of our deal," he bites out. "We said no memories. Nothing. Not his name, not his life, not hell, not me."

"He remembers everything?" Richard whispers, looking down on the table, like he's deep in thought.

"Yeah."

"I didn't do it."

"Bullshit," Jared hisses because he can't believe him, doesn't want to. Not when he is this angry and needs someone to blame, when everything has been turned upside down and his best friend, his _brother_ , has run from him now.

"I didn't do it, I swear, okay?" Richard meets his eyes evenly. "Maybe the mojo just wore off, alright? I'm not exactly God, even my powers have limits!"

They stare at each other in angry silence. Jared doesn't want to give in but he already feels that he believes him, feels the delicious fury leave him. But it's something else that makes his anger die completely.

"Wow. And here we go again," a voice behind him says, disappointed and hurt, and it makes Jared turn around, eyes wide. "History obviously does repeat itself."

"Dean," Jared gasps, because it's all Dean who is looking at him now and this moment feels too much like one they’ve shared before. He doesn't need to guess to know that Jensen's heard everything.

“Feels a lot like déjà-vu, don't you think, Sammy?" Jensen rasps and speaks exactly what's on Jared's mind. "You're not exorcizing a demon with your brain, but the behind-the-back thing and the lying and pretending is still the same.”

"Dean," Jared says again, his mouth suddenly dry, his heart beating with guilt.

"Nothing supernatural whatsoever, huh? Should have known that you were lying."

"Actually," Richard speaks up, walks between them, "it's just me."

"Gabriel," Dean nods and Richard answers in kind.

"Dean."

They stare at each other like old enemies, meeting again after a war that should have been over long ago, but still not ready to cross the sides they'd drawn. 

"So this is fun for you?" Jensen presses, his face all Dean's, a mask of anger and fury, and Jared swallows heavily and thinks that Jensen's not even aware that he's quoting him.

This time though, the Trickster's answer is different.

"I didn't do it. I swear. I did not wake you up." He sounds a lot more like Richard now, like the guy they got to know.

"What kind of sick fuck are you, huh? Letting us relive our lives in a fucking TV show?"

"Jensen," Jared chimes in, taking a step towards his brother.

"Don't you dare defend him," Jensen warns, his nostrils flaring. "Or was that part of your deal? I get to forget but you get to remember every little detail so you could watch me walk though my life totally oblivious? So you could watch me make the same mistakes all over again, so you could see how right you were leaving, again and again?"

"Dean," Jared whispers and he wants to cry out because this is not fair, this is not what he wanted. This is not at all what it's been like for him.

"Woah, woah, wait a second, okay?" Richard jumps in to save him, a second time. "First: my world, my rules. Is it fun to watch you squirm through your past life, making the same mistakes again and having people treat it all like a frigging TV show? Yes, it is. I mean, I'm the Trickster after all and I need to keep myself busy with something here when I'm not allowed to do much supernatural stuff, right?"

Jared keeps silent, keeps his anger in check. They’ve had this conversation before.

"And second: Sammy here is not exactly full human. And he isn't using a vessel. So my mojo isn't actually made to play with the little guy."

His tone grows more serious with every word. "Look. You guys stopped the Apocalypse from happening, you locked my brothers into a cage and the world's still intact. This, here, is your reward. It's your second chance and the best I could do. So either take it or leave it."

He looks sternly at Jensen one last time, shifts his eyes back to Jared, nods, and then he vanishes into thin air.

Jensen turns to Jared, his eyes so thick with betrayal and Jared feels it like a punch to his guts. “How could you not have told me who I am?” he asks, his voice angry, almost vicious, like Jared had driven a knife into his brother's back.

"I was trying to protect you!" Jared shouts, tired of being the bad guy, of having to defend himself.

Jensen throws his hands up in fury. "From what?"

"From yourself!"

Jensen is stunned into silence for a second and Jared uses it, has to use it to tell him exactly what it was like to give up his brother for good. To take away from Dean all the memories of the little brother he once had, of the person he once loved more than anything, the one he had died for, over and over.

"Do you really think I didn't hear what Famine said to you?" Jared shouts, screams, and he feels his throat lock. "About how empty you were, how you were already dead? It's been screaming in my head for more than twenty years now and there's not one week I don't think about it, or wake up sweaty from a nightmare where we didn't win. Where Gabriel never came to offer."

He gulps, feels his voice hitch. "I was about to lose you, Dean. And not to some demon, or monster or an Apocalypse. But to you. How long would you have kept going? With or without me? Huh? I did this to save your life! Just like I’ve always done. Just like we only ever do. 

Jensen still doesn't react, still watches him with blank eyes.

"Don’t you, for just one second, think that this was easy for me,” Jared says. “But I had to do it."

"What?" Jensen finally says and his voice alone hurts Jared. "So you could have your apple-pie-life? No damaged brother? So you could be normal? Have that fucking white picket fence you always dreamed about?"

"No, Dean!" Jared explodes, takes a step towards his brother, desperate to make him understand. "So you could have it!

"You were ... done, Dean. Burned out. For a long time, too," he tries to explain, levelling his voice as the air in the room starts to feel too thick, too thick for them to breathe. "I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk losing all of you."

Jared takes a shaky breath. "I just tried to do the right thing."

"Yeah, well, that's what you always do and look where it gets us," his brother answers, coldly, and it mutes Jared.

The sentence burns, the words a low blow, even for Dean, and he can see that he knows it. But although his eyes look guilty, he's not apologizing.

"I just have no idea how I'm supposed to be him again," Jensen admits, his voice rough like sandpaper and that's the only sign he's giving Jared that he’s suffering, too. 

Jared closes his eyes briefly, swallows down the hurt and the anger as best as he can. He’s had a lifetime to get used to this, his brother has only had 24 hours. He needs Jared now.

"You are you, Dean. You are Jensen. You've been him for the last thirty years, all that was all you. Same soul, same everything."

Jensen huffs. "You can't expect me to just accept that."

"You have to! Otherwise you’re gonna throw away the last thirty years of your life. You're gonna jump back in time to be that person again you were back then, and for what?"

"Sam," Jensen warns and throws him a sharp look, wanting him to stop.

"No, Dean, please. What you have now is amazing. It's what you wanted. If you can just accept that this is another step of your life, just another part of it, you can have all that! A normal life, a job, friends, a family."

"My mother died in a fire caused by a demon!" Jensen shouts, as if something is breaking inside him, as if he finally snaps. "My father died making a deal for my soul! My brother died locking Lucifer in his cage! That's what's real to me!"

Jared takes a deep breath and then another one. He calms himself and tries to control the adrenaline rushing through him. He walks over to another side of the room, grabs the phone and offers it to his brother.

"What is this?" Jensen asks, irritated.

"So, call her," Jared suggests and his voice is as calm as he wants it to be. "Call your mom and tell her that you're not her son anymore. That you don't want to have anything to do with her or her family. Come on, do it!"

He sees the other man's eyes widen, sees his face pale and it's exactly what he wants from Jensen, wants to see him react, wants to make him understand what he's about to lose.

"And while you're at it, call Jason. And Chris and Steve and all your other friends and tell them you can't be friends with them anymore. Because you're not Jensen anymore. And then call Danneel. Tell her you don't love her anymore."

"Fucking stop it," Jensen whispers. He has his eyes closed, but he's vibrating with all the anger. Jared can almost see it, can almost taste the storm chasing through the other man on the tip of his own tongue.

Jensen looks so lost, so forlorn, small and weak, that it touches something deep withing Jared.

'He's my brother,' Jared thinks and he's thought that a lot over the years, but never quite like this time. Never has it been truer than this time.

For a moment, all Jared wants to do is wrap his arms around his brother, hold him tight and close, feel the solid warmth, the reality of him in his arms. A physical reminder that it's really, truly him. All of him, with all the memories of the little brother Dean once had, the only thing that truly does make him different than the man he has been two nights ago.

Jared waits. He waits for Jensen to say something, to do something; he tries to be ready to react in any way. 

But all the other man finally does is rub his hand over his mouth, tired and drained, and turn around, heading for his bedroom.

"Jensen!" Jared follows the other man, not able to let him ago just yet.

"There's nothing more to talk about."

There's a response already on Jared's tongue but he stops himself, seeing the look on Jensen's face and knowing that the other man knows the words anyway.

Jensen turns around one last time, an empty smile on his lips. "You wanna tell me again how I am not Dean, huh?"

Jared ignores the words, he has to. "What are you gonna do?" he asks instead, worried that Jensen will pack up and leave, worried that he's going to run from this, from this life, from him.

Jensen pointedly moves to close the door behind him. "Go to sleep. We have an early call tomorrow."

Jared's left speechless and breathless in front of the closed door to Jensen's room.

His mind shuts down, goes empty and quiet, as if he has decided that the last hour had been too much for him to take and it had to turn off.

There's a noise startling Jared and making him turn around, and Jared has no idea how long he would have stood at that door if his phone hadn't ringed. 

He finds it on the table, the screen flashing Genevieve's name at him.

Jared doesn't reach for it.

He wants nothing more than to be able to just pick up and chat about his normal, unexciting day. But the world changed since last night, profoundly and completely, and he doesn't even have the energy left to reach for the phone and pretend that everything is normal.

Instead he turns around to go upstairs, letting it ring on the table.


	6. six

~+++~

Jared stares at Jensen for the entire ride to set, ready for the other man to break, to turn, to run. He still can't believe that when he's looking at Jensen it's Dean who's looking back. It's only little things. Most of the time Jensen just looks like Jensen. But when he turns his head just so or stumbles over Jared's name in public, it's different. And it always, without fail, sends a shiver down Jared's spine.

Jensen stays silent, all the way, keeps sternly looking out of the window. His hands are clenched to fists, resting on his lap. He can't believe Dean would just easily be able to switch back into this life, even if it's his, even if he remembers it all. Not when he remembers so much more now.

There has to be a catch, has to be an obstacle, this is too easy and Jared's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They stop at their usual point, greet the people they always meet this early in the morning on the way to make-up and Jensen keeps his gameface on, keeps nodding and smiling, if a little tighter than normal. But no one notices anything off or if they do, they may think Jensen is just tired and exhausted and why wouldn’t he be, almost done with the season and pulling extra hours for just the perfect ending?

"How do you do it?" are the first words Jensen says to him this morning, outside and waiting for the director to call for them to take position. They're Dean's words, rough and low, laced with a pain he tries to hide but never could from his brother.

Jared immediately knows what he means. 

He looks around for the first time in years. Takes it all in, the set in front of him, a hospital room they remember, a hospital room they almost died in, years ago. Watches Matt wave from another spot, still studying the script, a man they would have been afraid of back then. A Horseman.

"It's actually quite liberating," Jared chooses to answer and he earns a disbelieving look from his brother.

"This," he makes a gesture including the set and the other actors, "you actually get used to pretty quick. They're normal people. Even back then, their bodies were those of normal people. It's like ... like you get the opportunity to meet them after. When the demon is gone and the right soul is back inside the body."

Jensen studies him and although he doesn't look greatly convinced, he nods.

"And the other stuff," Jared's voice gets even lower, his words only for his brother to hear as the set around them gets even more busy. "All the things we have to relive, redo - everything we have to say to each other again ..." He trails off, lets Jensen imagine the rest. He knows he will think of the same fights, the same hurtful words that have been exchanged in the past.

"Look, I have another perspective this time. I see what happened when we weren't there. I see all the things you did and said and I read about what you thought back then when I didn't know anything," he shrugs, turns to his brother to see if he understands. "I learned a lot. About you, about Dad, but most importantly, about myself."

Jared laughs quietly. "It's like therapy."

He sees Jensen roll his eyes next to him and it's not just a typical Dean thing to do, it's also very much like Jensen.

"You knew all the time? Even as a kid?" 

Jared nods. "When I realized that something was different, I was just a little kid. Normal, but with the memories spanning almost thirty years and even some time in hell. I didn't actually understand it at first. It was like ...," he searches for the right word. "It was filtered. When other boys suddenly started to notice girls, I remembered my first kiss. When the other guys started having girlfriends and sex and all that, I remembered what it was like back then, trying to have a girlfriend with how much we were moving around. When my friends started applying to college, I suddenly remembered Stanford, and the huge fight I had with Dad."

He feels Jensen's curious eyes on him, senses Jensen absorb every detail he can get of the world he didn't know anything about. The world of his brother.

"And all the time, I remembered you," Jared says, feels a smile spread in his face. "When I was too young to understand, you were my imaginary friend or, you know, brother. Later, when I knew you were real, it just felt like ... like you were only out of town and we'd meet up again soon. And you know, it might have taken a while, but we did."

He laughs, when a memory comes to his mind. "When I told my mom about the Supernatural gig and I mentioned that I'd play the Sam role to a bigger brother named Dean, she couldn't believe that it was the exact name of the kid I had made up when I was little. And that was right about the time I remembered the rest. And understood who I was."

Silence falls between them, their eyes locked.

"Give this world a chance, Dean, please," Jared whispers, later, when they get called to take their marks.

He sees the hesitance in his brother's eyes, the instinct that is still telling him to run. But then Jensen finally nods, more to himself than to Jared.

"Okay, Jared. Let's do this."

~+++~

"What's going on?" Jared asks the next person that passes by.

It's a cold morning the next day, but the sky is clear and there's almost no wind, so it's a perfect day for the outdoor shoot they have scheduled. That's why it doesn't make any sense that there's almost no one running around on set, no one's hectically walking past him, shouting orders into their headsets.

"One of the Impalas is gone," the guy, Marshall, Jared remembers, offers immediately. "And since Jensen's called in sick, shooting is called off for today."

"What?" Jared's mind doesn't even know which information to process first.

Jensen had been gone when Jared woke up this morning. It had been strange, yes, but Jared hadn't worried. Jensen had left a quick note, explaining that he left early to work on a scene and Jared had only been relieved that Jensen still seemed to take his job seriously.

And now someone had stolen the Impala?

Something's nagging at Jared's consciousness, but he's too busy processing all this to notice.

"Wow," Jared answers, seeing Marshall is clearly expecting some reaction. "Thank you. I just wanted to ... you know ... stop by, see if there's anything to do ... uhm, for me. So I better head back home then, right?"

Marshall nods and is already turning around, running off in the other direction.

And Jared has to find Jensen.

"Hey Jared," a voice says and Jared looks up, sees Kim walking up towards him.

"Kim, sorry, but I have no...," he's already turning around, ready to walk off, when Kim stops him with a hand on his arm.

"I just gotta talk to you for a second," he says in a tone Jared doesn't dare to disobey.

"Yeah?"

"Look, you and Jensen both know that I love a good prank, right?"

Jared nods.

"Can you please make sure Jensen brings the Impala back safe and sound? Or else the suits are gonna kick my ass."

Jared's mouth opens in surprise. "Jensen has the Impala?" It's ridiculously obvious, but Jared's honestly surprised, can't imagine Jensen sneaking into the garage in the wee hours of the morning, stealing a car. But then again, he isn't just all Jensen anymore.

Kim doesn't answer immediately, studies Jared at first. "You didn't know?"

"No." Thoughts start racing through his mind, panic flaring up his chest. 

If Jensen, _if Dean_ , has the Impala, it could mean just one thing.

Jared swallows heavily.

It could mean that Jensen's running.

"Jared?" Kim says seriously, making Jared's attention turn to the older man again. "If there's some problem that you and Jensen can't solve alone, just remember that there are other people around you, okay? Sometimes it's better to talk to a person who's not that close to you."

Jared nods again, already feeling guilty. There's no way he can talk to anybody about this. If he and Jensen can't solve this problem alone, then they just can't solve it. Jared closes his eyes briefly, tries to calm the beating heart in his chest. Maybe Jensen didn't run. Maybe Jensen only needed his car back.

"Thank you, Kim," Jared says and he means it. 

"Okay, kid. Maybe you should look for your friend, huh?" He pats Jared on the shoulder, shooting him an encouraging look. "And hey, if you find him…" he says as if the thought just came to his mind, "Sam Smith says hi. She's in town, but she won't make it to set to say hello personally."

Kim smiles at him and then turns around to walk away.

But the racing thoughts in Jared's mind just stop. "Dean," he whispers, his heart breaking for his brother. He knows where he is. It's the same thing he had done the first time he got a second chance to see his mother.

~+++~

Jared closes the door silently and Jensen doesn't turn towards him, although there's no doubt that Jensen has heard him, has felt the brush of cold air as Jared got into the car. It had taken almost the whole morning and a lot of phone calls, but now Jared's finally found his brother.

"Jensen," he says gently, feels like he would startle him if he spoke too loud.

He doesn't get a response, only sees Jensen's jaw twitch.

"So, you stole the Impala," he jokes, quietly, but it gets Jensen to throw him a quick glance.

"You know, besides you," the other man starts, almost whispering,"my girl here, she was the only thing that was ever important to me. And here? Here I've got four of her. And they're all somehow fake."

Jared bites his lip, keeps himself from saying too much, from crowding into his brother's space too much. He desperately wants to reach out and touch, but he doesn't. He hopes his presence will be enough.

"She's up there," Jensen says, talking about another woman in his life now, and his head is turned away from Jared again. He's not really speaking to Jared, more to himself; he sounds like it's breaking his heart. His eyes are dart up to a window of the hotel, like he knows exactly where she is. "She's just a few steps away and she has no idea who I am. Or who you are."

"She's not our mom anymore, Dean," Jared whispers, instinctively switching to the other name, and he feels closer to the man beside him. Not by much, but it still means something.

Finally, Jensen turns around and his eyes focus on Jared. He counts it as a small victory.

"Did you ... ? When you first met them..." Jensen trails off, leaves the rest unsaid but Jared still gets it.

"It gets easier." Jared nods to himself, remembers his own reactions when he met Samantha or Jeffrey or Adrianne. He remembers the rush of feelings, good and bad, when he looked into their eyes and found nothing but friendly distance at first.

"It gets easier," he says again and his throat suddenly hurts. He's not lying. He's just not telling him how long it will take.

Jensen studies his face and then nods, as if he understands him anyway.

"Don't you think it's weird?" Jensen asks and turns his head again, desperately trying to look through one of the hotel windows and catching sight of a woman he had missed for a whole life. And who's no longer that woman.

"What do you mean?"

Jensen shrugs but doesn't turn back around.

"I kind of thought that they'd always be together, you know? Mom and Dad? Doesn't it feel wrong to you that in this world, they didn't find each other, didn't fall in love?." 

Jared watches Jensen's ears go pink but the other man doesn't stop talking. "I know it sounds terribly romantic and shit but after ... I thought after Dad spent most of his life seeking revenge for her, they should fall in love in every world they meet."

Jensen looks a little bit embarrassed when he finally turns to meet Jared's eyes but Jared only nods. "I know what you mean," he tells him. "But ... I know they loved each other very much, despite the problems they had. But maybe that was it, you know? They loved each other to last one lifetime but they weren't ... soul mates."

Silence rises between them and as Jared watches Jensen's flickering eyes, the way he's avoiding his, he knows that they're both thinking the same thing.

_'They aren't like us.'_

The sharp shrill of a ring tone startles them out of the silence. Jensen's cell phone is sitting on the dashboard and Jared can read the display, can see Danneel's name flashing up with every ring.

"It's Dani. You don't want to answer that?" Jared turns his eyes to the other man, studies the sad look on his face. But Jensen doesn't move to reach for the phone.

"You can't ignore her forever," Jared whispers. He's noticed how Jensen ignored her calls before, refused to answer her texts. And when he had, it only had been short messages, quick apologies and meaningless one-word answers.

"You love her," Jared tells him and he feels like it's his own heart that's breaking.

"I know," Jensen answers, his voice gravely low, but he puts his hands on the wheel and puts the car into gear.

~+++~

Jared nudges Sadie, shifts her a little so he feels like he can finally get some air into his lungs without the crushing weight on him. Harley isn't much better, he has found the perfect sleeping place right next to Jared's legs, head draped over his feet.

It's silent in the living room. Jared had wanted to catch some game or some show on Discovery Channel, but somehow he finds himself on the couch with his dogs, the TV not even on.

It's quiet, peaceful, and Jared realizes how long it's been since he had some quiet time for himself. He talked to Genevieve in the morning, not for long, nothing important, but it had still felt significant to him, like she was a touchstone for a reality that felt threatened.

Even better, Jared heard Jensen laughing on the phone with Danneel. Laughing. A sound he desperately misses from Jensen. And although there's something faintly twisting inside him when he thinks about Jensen laughing with Danneel, something he chooses to ignore because it's not right, not fair, he's happy that Jensen seems to be slowly finding his way back to the woman he loves.

Harley yelps when Jared accidentally kicks him, but the dog just puts it's head back down and falls asleep like nothing happened. Jared grins, bends down to pat his boy and leans back against the sofa cushions, sighing as he buries his hand in Sadie's fur. He hadn't noticed how beat he felt until now, how much everything had affected him, and suddenly he can feel it in his bones.

Jared stretches out and relaxes, closes his eyes in the quiet and prays that it's going to stay this way. That things are going to get better.

~+++~

A few hours later, everything has changed.

Jensen is still not home and it's almost midnight. Jared feels stupid, even for only saying it in his head, but this isn't like Jensen. He doesn't go out on weekdays and especially not without calling or leaving a note.

Everything had been fine a few hours ago, when Jared had last seen Jensen. MacKenzie had just called when Jared had left for a long run with the dogs and Jensen had been gone when he had returned.

Jared is sitting on the couch, his eyes flickering between the front door he can see from his position and his phone. He hates it, feeling like this again, when he had only spent a day like this not long ago. He can't do it again.

Worst case scenarios are flashing through Jared's mind, images of Jensen leaving, of having a small duffel and a car and crossing the border, just driving, putting miles and miles between them.

Jared feels like a parent, waiting for his kid to come home, and there's no mistaking the relief flooding through him when the front door finally opens and Jensen stumbles in with bloodshot eyes and skin so pale he wouldn't need make up to play a vampire. His clothes are dripping and his hair lies flat on his head, rain still running down his neck. 

"I'm sorry."

Jensen looks up at Jared's soft and broken words and stills.

"You're apologizing?" he asks a moment later and his voice is weak and thin.

Jared clings to the doorframe he's leaning against and watches Jensen in the dim light from the kitchen that's shining into the hallway.

"You're miserable," he says and the weight of the words is more than Jared feels he can take. "You hate it here. With me."

"How can you say that?" Jensen asks in reply, but he doesn't sound like he's denying it, not really.

Jared can't explain it, hopes that not saying the words aloud would make them less true. He just shrugs and motions at Jensen.

"You're soaked. You look like you've been walking through the rain for god knows how long," he says, a moment later, and it still sounds like that's the answer to Jensen's question.

Jensen's eyes meet his for a second, and then they travel to the floor in front of him, his gaze turning inwards, like he's miles away.

"MacKenzie called. Wanted to know how I was, what I'm up to, you know? Just wanted to talk to her big brother."

Jared curses himself, for not seeing how hard that would be for Jensen, for not anticipating it when he had seen Jensen's sister's name on the screen.

Jensen turns helpless eyes to Jared. "How can I be her big brother when I can't stop being yours?"

Something breaks inside Jared, makes him want to reach out, go over there and hug his brother, hold him tight until the stinging feeling in his gut is gone.

"Why do we have to choose?" he asks, his voice laced with sadness.

Jensen seems to think about it, seems to consider Jared's words and really ask himself that. The answer never comes.

"How are you doing it?" the other man asks instead and Jared knows what he means, can still read his brother like nobody else ever could.

"Like every other orphan, every other step-kid, everyone who's grown up in a patchwork family. I have two moms and two dads and two big brothers but that doesn't mean I have to choose between them." It's easy for him in a way it maybe shouldn't be but Jared has had a lifetime of living with this.

Jensen draws in a breath and lets it out slowly. "I don't know if I can do it."

"Do you want to?" And that right there is the question it all comes down to.

Silence stretches between them, long and breathless.

First Jensen nods jerkily and meets Jared's eyes, then he says "Yes. Yes," like it's a promise and Jared has to fight the tears threatening to spill.

The other man shudders, sudden and violently, and it comes back to Jared, the reality, the fact that Jensen is still in his soaked wet clothes, dripping on their floor.

"Jeez, come on," he jumps up, reaches his brother and begins peeling the other man's jacket off.

Jensen keeps silent while Jared coaxes him into his room, gets him out of his clothes down to his boxers and Jared feels weird doing it, every time his knuckles brush the damp cold skin. Jensen doesn't even look at him, just stares off into space, so Jared keeps going until he's done, until Jensen is prone on his bed under the covers. 

It's not enough and he can't.

Jensen lies on the edge of his own bed, small and fragile and Jared can't.

He can't just move over and wrap himself around the other man like he desperately wants to, can't find relief in touch like he has always done since he was born as Jared, and the sight is killing him.

So instead he turns off the lights, crawls into the bed and lies down behind Jensen, close enough to be comforting and still not touching, even though Jared is itching to do so.

"Who am I?" come the weak words, minutes or hours later when Jared's almost dozed off.

"You're you. You're Dean, and you're Jensen, and there's not as much of a difference as you think." The reply is instant, soft and without hesitation, although Jared has to fight back what he really wants to say. A single thought that keeps screaming inside his head.

_'You're mine.'_

"Jensen is the Dean he would have been if he had have the chance of a normal life," Jared goes on and he just hopes his words help. He can't see Jensen's face, can't read anything in the hunch of Jensen's back before him. "He's the Dean without the anger, without all the pain and the guilt and the knowledge of everything evil out there. Dean, it was always you. Just a happy you."

Jared swears he can see the other man's shoulders relax. Just a little, but it's enough to encourage him to go on.

"You still have my back. You still help people whenever you can."

Jared smiles to himself when truths after truths, all the little similarities, pop up in his head.

"Remember the bar fight we once got in?" he whispers into the twilight dark between them. "You came back for me, protected me, helped me. That's all you, Dean."

Jared reaches out with one hand, just enough so he can play with the soft pillow Jensen's head is lying on. "People still turn to you for help. Did you notice that every time a guest actor talks about what he experienced on set, it's your name they mention?" Jared's heart swells with pride, no trace of jealousy. "It's always 'Jensen helped with this', 'Jensen helped me with that'. You're still a leader even if you don't want to be."

"You watch out for me, all the damn time. You still love women and a good steak and a good beer but now ... now you let yourself enjoy all the rest too. Your friends and family. You love your family. You adore your siblings, just like ... just like you always loved me. You take care of everyone around you. You ..."

Jared keeps on talking. He talks through the night. He talks until his voice is hoarse. All this time he has no idea if Jensen has fallen asleep at his first words, but it doesn't really matter.

~+++~

Jared wakes up slowly, blinks against the early sunlight falling through his windows and into his eyes. He notices the warm weight against him immediately, wakes up to it like he's wrapped in a perfect blanket, keeping him comfortable, warm and protected.

For a second he just wants to bury himself in it, wiggle closer until he doesn't know where he ends and Jensen begins. Just stay in that perfect bubble of closeness and affection.

The urge fades the more awake Jared gets, but the lingering want stays the same.

Jared studies his brother's sleeping form and he finds that he can't distinguish between Jensen and Dean anymore, can't really tell them apart. The man next to him has always been the two, an old soul just living a new life, but finally Jared also feels the deep, unconditional love for his brother and the growing affection for his best friend, all tangled up. 

Still foggy with sleep and just that one step away from the reality waiting outside the reaches of his bed, Jared can't find anything bad about it.

Jared hides a happy laugh in his pillow, mindful of the sleeping man next to him, when he notices Harley and Sadie sleeping at the foot of the bed, faces placed on Jensen's leg. It's the first time they've sought contact with him again and it looks like a huge step now that they've chosen to get back to one of their favorite past-times: sharing a bed with Jensen.

When Jared shifts his eyes to Jensen's face again, he finds his brother's gaze on him, sleepy but guarded.

"Hey," Jared whispers and gives him a small smile, not yet ready to disturb the peacefulness of the early morning. They have to get up soon, get ready for the day and head to the set, but for now they still have some time, still don't have to get up and face the world.

"Hey," Jensen says back and his voice is hoarse, still rough from sleep.

Jared watches Jensen's eyes travel from him down Jensen's own body, can see the exact moment when Jensen sees the dogs.

There's no missing the hitched breath that escapes Jensen's throat and the way his eyes go soft at the sight.

"They must have come in while we were already sleeping," Jared explains unnecessarily, but Jensen only nods, biting down on his lip.

Something twists inside Jared's stomach, makes him aware of all the places where their bodies are touching, legs and hips and arms, and when Jensen looks up at him there's something in his eyes Jared can't read, but it makes the flutter in his stomach only worsen.

"We should probably get up," he suggests and his voice sounds just like Jensen's now, raspy and low. He watches Jensen swallow and then nod and Jared turns away to untangle himself from his friend, carefully, trying not to wake the dogs in the process.

There's worry building up inside him and suddenly Jared isn't sure if he likes this. Being this wrapped up in each other again. Not seeing anyone beside each other. He feels like he can't breathe. He feels like he's finally home.

~+++~

It is a weird morning but for the first time since Dean is back it's not weird in a bad way.

It's still very early, the sun not even up yet and it's cold, the air fogging when Jared breathes out. They're shooting a night scene and it has been explained to Jared why they're doing it now and not ... at night, but his mind is not that awake yet so he doesn't remember.

His eyes flip to his brother and he can see that Jensen doesn't look any better off than he feels. His eyes are dropping shut repeatedly and Jared could swear he sees him swaying on his feet a few times.

Better yet, he feels it, because every time he does it, Jensen's shoulder bumps against his. Jensen's been seeking this closeness all morning. In the house before they left, in the car that brought them here, and now while they’re waiting for the set to be ready. Jensen is one step closer than he usually is, moving with Jared, like they're connected somewhere and Jensen has to mirror Jared's movements.

Jared can't say that he doesn't like it. He does. But it also makes something tingle inside him. Makes alarm bells go off, ones buried deep inside that should tell him something, but don't.

But it's too early anyway so Jared just goes with it, finds himself enjoying the closeness of his brother.

Misha throws them a weird look when Jared looks up but he doesn't say anything, which only can mean that it's even way too early for him t. 

"Jeez, are they done already?" Jim complaints, sitting in his wheelchair and Jared envies him a little. "I'm freezing my ass off here."

"Gonna see what's taking them so long," Misha yawns and then walks over to the director's chair where there's already a bulk of people heatedly discussing something.

But it's quiet where Jensen, Jim and Jared are waiting, right next to the bus that's part of the set, and he's leaning against it now, Jensen brushing up against him as he follows.

"So you two are good again?" Jim asks, his voice a little rough and quiet. 

Jared glances to Jensen but maybe the other man's actually fallen asleep because he has his eyes closed and doesn't even stir at Jim's comment.

"Yeah," Jared breathes out and hopes that it's true.

Jim nods and the expression on his face reminds Jared very much of Bobby. But then again, Jim's never been that far off from Bobby anyway.

"Hey, you fell asleep?" Jared whispers when Jensen's eyes flutter open again, his head resting almost on Jared's shoulder. They're alone now, Misha still part of the discussing group around the director and Jim gone, figuring he could use the waiting time for a quick bathroom break.

"Sorry," Jensen mumbles, his breath forming little clouds in front of him.

"Did I ever tell you about the day I found out that you were real?" Jared asks quietly, not sure why this memory comes back to him now.

Jensen shakes his head, his tired but curious eyes meeting Jared's.

"When I was eight, I shuffled through some old catalogues and magazines from my mom. I was so bored that day, I started looking at the pages." He remembers it. Feels like he can even still smell the thin pages, can still feel them cold and smooth under his fingertips.

"I found a picture of you, Dean. I saw you as a little kid wearing this ridiculous green vest and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I knew you were out there somewhere."

"You didn't come find me?" Jensen asks, after a moment, and Jared laughs out loud.

"Dude, I was eight years old! And I wouldn't even have known where to start." He nudges his brother's shoulder. "Then later, when I was already in the business, I zapped through the TV and suddenly saw Dad making goo-goo eyes with some blond chick in a hospital. Talk about weird."

He feels the smaller man chuckle next to him, feels the movement ripple down his own body. "I knew who you were, then," Jared goes on, his voice turning low and serious. "But I was ... I was too afraid, I guess. I had your address and everything, could have just swing by and knocked on your door. But ..."

He doesn't go on but his eyes meet Jensen's and he sees understanding on his face.

"It was tough meeting Jess or you know, Adrianne," he whispers between them, words so secret only one other person would ever be able to know what he was talking about and it felt good, felt real for the first time to be able to say it out loud, to be able to step back for a moment and be Sam Winchester again. Just for a brief moment, but enough to take a look at his life.

"But then she was so sweet and happy and somehow that was enough." He smiles to himself, focuses no longer on Jensen, but can feel the other man's eyes on him anyway. "It was great seeing Jo and Ellen and Ash again, you know? And all the other people we lost. Every single one alive and good and happy with their lives. And hey, me and Dad never had such a great relationship like we have now," he laughs, but something turns inside him and the words hurt, hurt deeply, and he's feeling tears slide down his cheeks before he even knows he's crying. 

It startles him when he feels a hand curling around his waist, pulling him in and he looks up, meets his brother's gaze and for a moment he sees both there, Dean and Jensen, and he realizes that Jensen was never gone, that he just got Dean on top of it.

"It's okay," Jensen whispers and drops a sleepy, careless kiss to Jared's shoulder and Jared should be more surprised, should shout 'whoa' and step away, or laugh. 

But a knot that has been made of steel inside him finally loosens itself and all he feels is the person he probably loves most in the world holding him.

"Okay, guys, ready in five!" someone shouts and startles the two men out of their half-formed embrace.

"You good?" green eyes flicker up to him and Jared takes a deep breath and nods. 

"Yeah," he breathes and Jensen nods, brushes his hand once more over the small of Jared's back before he lets go.

~+++~

Jared is deep in thought when he enters his house at half past twelve. It’s dark, save for the light coming from the kitchen, and when he passes the living room door he can see his dogs sleeping on the couch.

“Jensen?” he calls, wondering why the other man hasn’t greeted him. He’s nervous, never knowing whom he might meet when he sees his friend.

It’s not good tonight.

Jared sees the bottle of Jack first, then the glass right next to it, before he sees Jensen.

"How was your night?" his friend asks.

Jared blinks and hesitates. His night had been terrible. Jared had been distracted, thinking about Jensen, Dean, and he hadn't been fair to Genevieve. She first had been concerned and then angry when Jared didn't want to talk about it. He feels terrible for it. He knows that he would have reacted just the same if she had refused to talk to him, but there is nothing he can do about it. Not now, not in the future.

But that's not what makes Jared stop. It's the look in Jensen's eyes, the tone of his voice. Jared braces himself.

"So you're back to banging Ruby again, huh?" Jensen slurs, bitter and with a cold smile; and Jared freezes.

He tries to calm his nerves instantly, feels his fingers itch, clenching into fists. "You're drunk," Jared bites out, talking to Jensen as much as he's talking to himself. "And upset. And I understand that, Jensen, I do. But if you ever talk about Genevieve like that again ..."

He catches Jensen's eyes, makes sure the other man has heard every word Jared had said.

"Wh... ." Jensen starts but Jared interrupts him instantly.

"No. Don't say a word, man. Don't make it worse. I mean it." Jared can't believe the anger rushing through him, can't believe Jensen has actually said the words. He knows it's hard for Jensen to process all this, knows the mixed feelings whenever he looks at a familiar face and finds another person in there, but this ... this is just too much.

He waits for Jensen to react but his friend only looks at him darkly, something written on his face Jared can't quite read. He might not even want to right now.

"I'm going to bed. And you’re going to bed too," Jared says pointedly, uses his body this time and towers in front of Jensen.

But Jensen stays quiet, doesn't move an inch. Jared can smell the alcohol in the air now and cringes. Jensen has never gotten drunk at home all by himself before. And it wasn't something Dean had done a lot either, getting drunk in the various hotel rooms they've stayed in. But Jared can see the bottle of Jack from the corner of his eyes standing on the counter, already half empty.

"Go to bed, Jensen," Jared says again, can't help letting his friend's name hiss through his teeth. With that, he turns around, heading for the stairs himself, silently praying Jensen would just do what he's told.

"You really don't wanna talk about this?" Jensen asks in bewilderment. "Really?" And his voice has still the edge to it that makes Jared dread to turn around and listen. But he can't help it.

Because underneath, he can hear his brother asking for him to stay.

"Talk about what?" Jared asks, knowing that whatever it is, he won't like it.

Jensen makes an uncertain step towards him, his brows furrowed. "The fact that I kissed you." The first sentence is said viciously, meant to slap Jared in the face.

But the next one is mumbled, frightened, and Jared almost can't hear him.

"The fact that I'm in love with you."

Jared's eyes widen, he feels the blood rush to his head. "No, that's ...,"he starts, his voice weak. "You can't mean that."

His heart is thundering against his chest, his mouth suddenly dry.

Jensen only throws him a tired smile. "You know I do."

"But ... Dani?" Jared splutters, trying to keep the emotions down, ones that are starting to well up inside him. This can't be true. This can't be happening.

Pain flashes over Jensen's face and for a second, Jared regrets his words. "I love her. So much. You know I do. But not as much as I love you." Jensen huffs a laugh and Jared can't believe his ears. "Starts finally making sense now. Why whatever I felt for anyone else doesn't even come close to what I feel for you."

Jared feels dizzy. He feels like someone’s pulling the ground away from under him and his mind only get’s as far as ‘He loves me’. Not further, not to the consequences.

“Jensen, you … maybe it’s …” He doesn’t even know what he wants to say.

And he doesn’t have another chance either, because Jensen takes a sudden step forward and reaches for Jared, pulls him down and seals his mouth with a kiss.

It's short and desperate and Jensen clings to him like he's the last breath Jensen will ever take. His hands are wrapped around Jared's head and Jared would swear he hears a whimper coming out of Jensen's throat. A sound like he's dying.

"I tried," Jensen says when he pulls away, his voice rough and shaking. And he looks at Jared like he's looking at sin itself.

Jared feels a shudder go down his spine when he thinks that maybe that's what he is.

Jensen's gaze is heated and intense and Jared can feel his own skin tingle under it. He doesn't know what to think, doesn't know what to feel with the other man too close to be able to focus on something else other than the hunger inside those eyes.

"We can't do that," Jared rasps and it's lame and has nothing to do with the real problem. That it doesn't matter what they do when wanting it is unnatural enough. When it has already happened.

"I thought that..." Jared starts when Jensen doesn't say anything. "That it would ... go away. Now that you ... that you know. I mean, it's supposed to go away, right? It couldn't have been that much be... before, could it? I mean with you loving Danneel and everything and it was ... just a crush right?" He feels stupid, fumbling with his words but he just ...

He just doesn't know what to do. They shouldn't even talk about this. They're brothers ... _were_ brothers and this is not the normal he's given up so much for.

Jensen looks up to him, a sad smile on his face. His voice is weak when he starts speaking. "You know I could run. I could move so far away I'd never see you again. I could never touch you. Never speak to you again."

For a second Jared is sure that this is what Jensen's going to do. A flare of panic rushes through him, his heart suddenly galloping in his chest.

"But you know what?"Jensen continues. "It wouldn't do a damn thing to change the fact that I'm in love with you. It's already too late, Sammy."

"No," Jared whispers and his world crashes around him, a second, a hundredth time since Dean returned to him in this world.

Jensen's face goes pale and his jaw is set in an angry line, but Jared can see underneath, could always see underneath. It's hurt.

"No, man, no," he says again, louder this time, desperation growing in his voice. "You love Danneel and I love Genevieve and we were supposed to have a normal life. We fucking deserve a normal life!" He doesn't say 'you' even if he means it more than 'we', but he knows Jensen, knows Dean.

"I'm sorry that I don't fit the definition of normal for you, Jared," Jensen says in a cold voice and the use of that name feels like a punch to his face. "But I didn't choose this. You did."

Anger bubbles up inside him, just like it always does, just like it keeps doing these last few days. "You can't throw away what you have," Jared tells him, determined. "I won't let you. I'm not gonna ... not for me. You deserve a second chance, Dean. A real shot at normal and you were gonna have it and I'm not letting you give that up for me."

Jensen cocks his head to the side, calculating him, and he's vibrating with anger. "You're a twisted son of a bitch, you know that?" he says and the thing that's flaring between them has shifted, turned, added up to something darker now. "You wished for all this. Made damn sure I didn't remember anything from before."

Jensen walks up to him but Jared stands his ground, even as he smells him again, a mix of alcohol and cologne and something else underneath.

"And then you walked into my life again, became my friend, let me fucking live with you and now you blame me now that it's gotten all out of control?" he sneers, and he's right up into Jared's space, only a breath away. "See, Sammy, that's what you get when you start messing with the Trickster."

"No, Jesus, fuck!" Jared explodes. "I'm not blaming you! Damnit, do you even hear what I'm saying?!" But he doesn't get any further because Jensen's not listening to him.

He can see it when the other man's face turns into a mask, too familiar, too painful to see, and he asks the one question Jared's been dreading all along.

"Did you miss me? In all your goddamn 27 years here, did you fucking miss me even once?!"

Jared keeps silent. His throat is locked and his lips sealed together. Because there's no easy answer to that. And, that alone, feels like a bullet being shot through his brother's heart, the echoing pain shooting through his own.

The anger, the pain and the unspeakable thing pour off of Jensen in waves and there's no way Jared can't feel it, can ignore it. There's a small part inside him that's lavishing the attention, lavishing the way Jensen's looking at him like he's his whole world, good and bad.

There's a bigger part in Jared that tries to make him see that it has never been different.

But he ignores all of it. Steals himself and fights with himself to make the right decision, to end this madness between them instead of feeding it further.

He has to leave, has to get out, because this fight is only going two ways. One he can't even process to be possible and the other one just might kill them. He knows his brother too well, knows them too well.

He remembers what Dean had once said to him. _'We're the fire and the oil of Armageddon.'_ He had been wrong. They are fire and oil alright. But to each other. Always have been. Their relationship always too intense to be healthy. Too much to stay away from for too long.

"Dean, go to bed," Jared says again and his voice doesn't waver.

He only notices his trembling hands when he has pushed past Jensen and closed his bedroom door behind himself, listening to the click of Jensen's door closing in response.

~+++~

They don't talk until lunch but Jared can see how all the anger must have left Jensen during the night because he is frantically searching for something to say, for the right words to apologize.

That's all Jensen's doing, and not Dean, and Jared flinches at the thought. There are things his brother almost never would have done, and now that Jared knows that it has been inside him all along, he wonders what made it go away back then. Wonders what Dean had been through that made him be this angry, this guilty, even before the pit or the Apocalypse.

Jared, Sam, stops the thoughts of their father as soon as they start. He's sworn to himself not to go there ever again.

Genevieve is there, on set, the whole time until the director calls 'cut,' and then at lunch, and it feels good in a way, feels like his mind is being pulled away from the insanity that is his life again. They talk and laugh between breaks, play with the dogs and it feels almost normal, if it wasn't for the guilty look Jensen keeps throwing both of them when he thinks Jared can't see it.

Genevieve leaves with a short kiss to Jared's lips and the pleading for him to talk to Jensen, because she can't stand the two of them not talking.

Jared feels even worse after, feels even more off balance and he hates it, hates how he feels like a little kid who just wants everything to be okay again, but he can wish as strong as he wants and it still isn't coming true.

"I know that there's no way I can ever apologize properly," a voice startles Jared and he turns around to find Jensen behind him, looking crushed and guilty and Jared wants to stop him right there, because he can't stand seeing him like this. "But I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Jared, I shouldn't have said what I did about Gen."

Instead of saying something, Jared just nods, makes sure Jensen sees it, and turns back around to the buffet, continues filling up his Styrofoam container.

He can feel Jensen behind him, a steady and familiar presence, but there are people around him, eyes following them, worried and confused and Jared knows that they're keeping all of their colleagues on edge lately, but he doesn't know what he can do about it.

"Why did you do it?" Jensen whispers and that makes Jared turn around. "Why did you choose to work with me? Why become my friend, why even move in with me?"

Jensen looks pained, ready for an answer he won't like, and Jared feels himself fall at that, feels all the fight seep out of his body.

"I always thought you wanted normal for you. You could have spent your life without me. Why'd you choose this all over again?" It's a version of what he said last night but this time, it's what he really means.

Jared hears the silent words and feels ready to cry. His shoulders sag, his breath is leaving his throat and he doesn't feel like he's able to take that any longer. The constant look on Jensen's, Dean's, face, like he's a burden to humanity, the constant thought plain on his face to think that Jared, Sam, doesn't even like him.

Carefully, Jared closes the container in his hand and reaches for the other one he's already filled up. Then he turns to his brother. "I don't know what to do anymore, Dean," he says, low enough for only him to hear. "I tried a lifetime to make you see. I feel like I've been screaming myself hoarse trying to tell you, but you just won't listen."

He takes a step closer, aware of every pair of eyes following them but he's lost all care of that too. "I love you, Dean. I always did and always will and nothing you do could ever change that. Me leaving was never about you. Me hating the life we had never meant that I hated you. Sometimes I think you just don't want to believe me, but the truth is, I love you more than anything else. And here, with you as Jensen, it's still true." He swallows against the lump in his throat. "And that's why I keep fighting for you to have the life you always wanted. And I won't let you destroy that."

He pulls back, takes a deep breath and sees the shocked expression on Jensen's face, but he can't face that now, can't say more than he already has because he feels empty, drained, and he just hopes that this time he finally got through to his brother.

He feels weird as he makes his way to the tables, confessing his love in a tent filled with food and kitchen staff and the film team, because it still feels like Jensen and him, Dean and him, are the only ones here, like they share their own world.

He doesn't want it, feels scared of his own words because he knows they're true, that no one, not his family and not Genevieve, come even come close to his brother. At the same time, he needs his brother to choose something, _someone_ , else but him. And if he buries that pain deep inside him, no one needs to know but him.

~+++~


	7. seven

~+++~

Jared never considered himself to be a person to turn to desperate measures. But the days drag on, the hours on set become even tougher now that they're shooting the season finale, and it's not getting better. He feels like he and Jensen are stuck inside a bubble, just the two of them, but they're not moving on and they're not getting out.

And then there's this idea stuck inside his head and it's ridiculous and stupid and actually kind of illegal, but it's only growing more perfect instead of going away. He needs them to break out, to go on. And there's only one way to do that.

So Jared waits for the end of the day, stays behind when Jensen drives home and follows his plan.

He parks the car in front of their house, just behind Jensen's car, honks, and then he steps outside, watching the front door open as Jensen comes out.

Jared can see the exact moment when the other man's eyes fall on the car and all pretense of keeping up the fight between them is gone.

“You stole the Impala?” Jensen takes a few steps down the front yard, his glance shifting between Jared and the Chevy.

Jared just shrugs. “You stole it before I did.”

Jensen eyes him suspiciously, then huffs. “Well, you shouldn’t do what I do.”

“You’re my big brother," Jared smirks. "I can’t help it.”

Jensen tenses for a moment, studies Jared, but then his eyes travel back to the car and Jared watches him relax.

"I was thinking of taking her for a ride," Jared suggests carefully, like Jensen could still turn and walk away. "The sky is pretty clear tonight."

What he gets is a look of surprise and something else, something like hope, flickering over Jensen's face.

"You read the script, man. I know you remembered," Jared laughs. 

He has seen Jensen read the script for the last episode of the season, has seen Jensen hover over the small flash-back-scenes of Sam and Dean spending time in the Impala, of them sitting on her under the stars. He knows Jensen remembers just as he does.

"We should have done that more often back then," Jared says quietly, "and we definitely should do it now."

Jensen eyes him warily, but he can't fool Jared, can't keep the spark out of his eyes. "You're insane."

"It's been said." Jared shrugs again, but he knows he has him, and he grins when the other man finally makes his way over to him.

"I'm driving, bitch," Jensen says and Jared laughs, throws him the keys.

"Didn't expect anything else, jerk."

And just like that, they're on the right track again.

They find a quiet and lonely spot a few miles outside Vancouver, a small hill, only surrounded by trees from two sides, leaving the light of the moon and the stars to shine down on them.

Jared can see Jensen fighting with himself if he should leave a mocking comment, but the old memories obviously win and Jensen stays silent.

He laughs out loud when Jared opens the trunk and produces a few bottles of beer from the cooler stowed inside, hands one over to him with a deep smile he can feel on his face, and it's probably the first time he believes himself when he thinks that they are going to be okay.

It's cool outside, the wind is blowing, and still Jared feels better than he can remember having felt in a long time. The hood is still warm underneath them when they sit silently next to each other, sipping their beers and looking at the stars. 

It feels a little cheesy but a lot more like old times, when it was just the two of them, with Bobby and Castiel watching from the sidelines. As much as Jared loves his life and the people in it, he has to admit that he missed this. 

That he missed having Dean all to himself.

"You asked me if I ever missed you," he speaks into the silence and feels his brother tense up next to him, feels the sudden shift in the air. 

"Yes and no," he continues, because there are words that need to be said and Jared feels like they are long overdue. 

He almost regrets them anyway when he catches the look in the other man's eyes. A hurt so deep shining in them, and Jared can't believe that he still can do it, can still wound his brother deeper than any other person on the planet.

"What I missed ... the person I missed was the Dean that knew me," he hurries to explain. "The Dean that grew up with me, the one that had been there for every important step of my life. I missed the Dean that would have done anything for me, that loved me more than anything else in the world."

Jared swallows against the sudden lump in his throat, clears it, before he goes on. "But I knew that was selfish, I knew that it was just because of me. Because you had everything you ever wanted, Dean. You had the chance of a normal life and even if I desperately wanted you to know me, I wanted you to have that chance more."

There's a sentence he isn't saying, something that doesn't need to be spoken out loud and it's when Jensen catches his eyes for a brief moment, that he knows Jensen has heard it anyway.

_'It's what you would have done for me.'_

“Was there ever a time when I wanted to tell you?" Jared's breath hitches. "Yes, Dean, of course there was.”

Jensen's head jerks around to him, his eyes curious and surprised. “When?”

“The first time we met." Jared closes his eyes briefly at the emotions attacking his heart when he thinks back to that moment. He remembers every second of it. Remembers how unfamiliar Jensen had looked and how so much like Dean that Jared had been afraid Jensen could read everything on Jared's face. Never before and never again had Jared felt his heart break and be finally complete at the same time. "You were looking at me like ... like you didn’t know me at all, didn’t care about me at all.”

“Why didn’t you do it?" Jensen asks when Jared doesn't go on. "What changed?”

Jared hesitates, knowing what his next words will sound like. And suddenly he wonders if he was ever really surprised by everything that happened between them. Wonders if he really didn't know how Jensen felt about him, if he really didn't see where whatever it was between them was heading the whole time. 

There's something warm spreading in his belly when he answers and his first instinct is to fight it, but he can't. Not now, not today. 

“The way you looked at me.”

~+++~

It's late, after midnight, when they return home. They only have a good four hours to sleep and when Jared sees the relaxed expression on Jensen's face he thinks it's still been worth it.

They didn't share a word all the way home and Jensen only gives Jared a small smile and a nod before Jared heads upstairs, both getting ready for bed. 

He can feel himself smiling while he listens to the other man downstairs. They're familiar noises, the tap-tap of bare feet on the tiles, the water hitting the sink when the faucet is turned on. Jared finds a deep contentment in listening to them, in knowing that the man who makes them is his brother and his best friend and so much more than that. 

He gets lost in his own thoughts, in the dull repeat of his own evening routine and he doesn't listen to his surroundings anymore.

That's why he nearly jumps when a warm body suddenly presses itself against his back.

"You have to stop me, Jared," Jensen whispers and his breath hits Jared's neck, makes him gasp and shudder at the sudden intrusion. 

Jensen knows he's sensitive there.

Jared's tongue is tangled in his mouth, and his hands curl around the sink, but a distant voice inside him still hopes that this is just a dream, or a fluke, and Jensen will back off any minute now.

But Jensen doesn't budge and Jared is frozen to the spot. His heart is beating rapidly and he knows, _he knows_ , what he has to do, but he can't.

"Stop me, Jared." Jensen mumbles into the skin of his neck and his lips are burning hot and his hands curl around Jared's hip, pulling him in.

Jared feels a shiver go down his spine, closes his eyes to the feeling. He forgets how his limbs work, forgets how to make his mouth form words.

"God, fuck, stop me," Jensen breathes again, groans, and when Jared turns, catches Jensen's eyes flickering up at him, they're dark and hungry and confused.

"Jared." Jensen's teeth scrape lightly over the soft skin of Jared's collarbone, move lower and lower still, Jensen's hands pull Jared's shirt up, gliding under it, while his mouth licks and bites every inch of skin it can find.

Jared feels dizzy, feels a need rise up inside him so quickly that his breath is pressed out of him. He can't do this. Can't let Jensen do this. 

"Jared, stop me," Jensen pleads quietly, his fingers working Jared's pants open and he looks desperate and unable to resist at the same time. 

"Sam." The word pours out of Jensen's mouth, hits Jared's belly. Jensen bites down on the soft skin right under his navel and Jared can hear the groan leaving his mouth this time and reaches for the closest surface to steady himself when his knees buckle underneath him.

"No. Don't," Jared gasps and reaches for Jensen, pulls at his shirt to get him closer and he doesn't even know what he's saying. 

Jensen looks up at him, already halfway on his knees, already pulling Jared's pants down. "Fucking stop me, Sam," he says, his voice low and throaty, the way Jared's never heard it before, but surprisingly clear and Jensen must know what the name does to him this time.

Jared can feel his eyes roll back inside his head and his hips buck helplessly against the man in front of him.

"No," he rasps and it's an answer, not an order, and he knows that he means it. It's the last coherent thought he has for a long time.

"Fuck!" he groans, long and hard, when Jensen nuzzles into his crotch, mouths at his hard dick that's still covered with his boxers. Then the amazing heat is gone and Jensen's standing and Jared can feel a protesting sound already leave his mouth.

But he's pulled, pushed, shoved, until his back hits the bed and he's lying on his own sheets, Jensen looming over him.

"Jensen," Jared whispers and their eyes meet for a brief moment and Jared can feel the goose bumps spread on his skin at the thought of Jensen pushing him like that, of him using his strength for once and moving Jared, who's much taller and much stronger, just with the power of sheer want. A want that Jared can see in the other man's eyes plain as day.

"Dean," Jared gasps, spreads his legs just enough to let him know that he's giving up, that he wants this too.

He only hears a growl above him and then he can feel fingers tugging at his boxers, almost ripping them off him and Jared bucks and gasps and almost screams when tight, wet heat sucks him in.

"Oh, Jesus." Jared claws at the sheets, doesn't even hear them ripping apart under his hands, will only find out in the morning, and Jensen's holding him down with his hands, laving at his cock like he's a pro, like he has done this before.

Distantly, Jared wonders if it is Jensen or Dean who had done this before and he feels something like disappointment settle inside him that he doesn't know.

"Shit. Shit," Jared gasps and he knows he can't stop the words leaving his mouth, can't be held responsible for everything he says and does, not when Jensen swivels his tongue through his slit, lets it glide just underneath the head and lets him go deeper and deeper into the wonderful tight heat of Jensen's throat. 

Jared opens his eyes for second, looks up at the other man and the sight of his own cock vanishing into that beautiful mouth is almost enough to take him over the edge. But Jensen isn't returning the gaze, has his eyes closed and there's no doubt what all this is about. He's not doing it for Jared, he's fucking doing it for himself.

"Jens .... Dean.., "Jared gasps the names when he notices Jensen's right hand is not holding him down anymore but having vanished down Jensen's pants, and it's meant as a warning, so that Jensen can pull away but he only hums around his dick, fucking hums, and Jared's gone.

His back arches and his eyes fall shut as he moans, obscenely loud, and comes down Jensen’s throat.

Jensen keeps him inside his mouth, keeps on swallowing every drop, and Jared watches him through heavy lidded eyes, twitches in aftershocks and can't believe they did this.

And it seems like Jensen is realizing it too. 

He's shooting Jared a shocked look, his eyes traveling over Jared's body, taking in the torn sheets, the pants and boxers around his ankles, his softening cock lying on his belly and Jared can only imagine what Jensen, what Dean, must see. His baby brother, lying disheveled and sated on the bed, and Jensen's probably still tasting his brother’s cum in his mouth.

The sound of the door being slammed shut when Jensen flees the room feels like the loudest noise Jared's ever heard. He can still hear it ringing in his ears the next morning, when he's showered and in clean clothes, his brother's scent somehow still clinging to his body.

~+++~

Jared almost wants to call 'cut' and just drop out of this. Take his brother and leave and never look back.

Because this is his _brother_ currently reliving the worst times of his life. It's his brother's pain that's flashing over Jensen's face and his brother's tears that are shining in his eyes.

It's the first time Jared can think of something else when he looks at him, can blend out the pictures of the other man sweaty, with eyes blown wide with arousal. Can think of something else other than the feeling of his own cock down his brother’s throat. Can feel something else besides the mix of horror, want, shock and pure, deep desire.

He would feel embarrassed for himself if the sight of his brother being ripped apart by an old pain wasn't about to kill him.

It's weird and different, this scene. Lying on the floor, his eyes closed, knowing that Mark's lying next to him, the only sound he's hearing is Jensen above him, not even saying something, just being torn, tears in his eyes. Jared knows all that because he's read the script and knows how Jensen plays the role. He hadn't seen it back then either, but something in being alone with just the noise of it makes it different. In moments like this his mind seems to drift off, seems to forget that this, all of this, is long over and gone. That they're not the same people anymore. 

Something in his mind makes him forget that this isn't happening right now.

There had been worse days, worse scenes to play. And no matter how often Jared had read the lines, over and over to steel himself inside against them, nothing had him prepared for lying in the bed in the abandoned house, playing dead, listening to his brother talking to him. It had hurt so much, knowing that Dean once had said the exact same words to him, when he had been dead, and he'd sounded so open, so raw, stripped and scraped right down to his soul. Jared will always remember lying on that bed, dying a little inside for real.

This scene though, it's different. Because this time, Dean's there too.

~+++~

"This is unbelievable," Jared whispers, shaking his head, and he's balling up his hands into fists as he watches Jensen turn around, throwing him an innocent glance.

It would work a lot better if Jensen had even looked at him once in the last few hours.

"What is?" he actually has the balls to ask as if nothing was wrong. As if Jared didn't feel like he was missing a limb.

"You!" Jared sneers back immediately, changing the look on his brother's face instantly.

They're exhausted, physically and emotionally drained, and the day hadn't helped, had only taken them to the edge, so the fight explodes easily between them, just the last drop into an already overflowing bucket.

"What the hell did I do now?!" Jensen shouts, annoyed and pissed off, and Jared could have just complained about the open milk bottle or the weather and they would have been exactly where they are now, glaring at each other, air humming with tension.

"You wouldn’t even look at me all day!"

"Oh, come on," Jensen says, mocking, acting like Jared was just a little kid throwing a fit. "I was busy working, if you didn't notice. And some fucking tough scenes too."

"Jesus, don't talk to me like that, Jensen!" Jared follows Jensen's every step and silently he knows Jensen doesn't really have destination in mind. He’s just walking through the house, walking away from him.

"Like what?"

"Like I'm the little brother who's too dumb to understand."

That actually seems worthy of an answer, Jensen stops, meets Jared's eyes with a blank gaze. "Well, if the shoe fits."

"Fucking ...." Jared stops himself, looks to the floor and takes a deep breath. It's the familiarity of this that's frightening him in way that it doesn't. That despite all the damage it's doing, there's a small part inside him enjoying this, enjoying being able to fight with Dean again.

"Would you step aside, Padalecki?"

Jared looks up again, finds himself blocking the door from the kitchen to the living room and he takes a step back before he can think about. It's a new thing Jensen, Dean, does. Calling him "Padalecki" whenever they start fighting, and Jared knows why he's doing it too. It keeps Jared at a distance. Makes Jared just a friend. Not everything else he is to Dean.

"Would you just fucking stop for a second?"

Jared wants to laugh, when Jensen does, wants to point out to him how ridiculous this is. Jared is standing at the foot of the stairs, looking up at Jensen who has just stopped at the end, and how did they even ended up like this? There's nothing upstairs that's Jensen's business anyway, it is Jared's floor.

"What do you want me to do, huh?" Jensen gestures wildly. "I'm fucking trying, man. I'm really trying. I'm still here, aren’t I? I'm reliving every single mistake of my life and then I turn around and smile into a camera! But I'm still fucking here!"

Something locks in Jared's throat. _'Yeah, thank God you are'_ he wants to say. But he can't.

"But I can't just flip a switch and be who you want me to be!"

"Jensen, I don't want you to be anyone but yourself," Jared says and he knows it came out as a whine.

Jensen stares down at him. "Think again, genius. What happened yesterday?

Jared closes his eyes briefly, winces, images of heat and flesh and want flashing before his eyes.

"That's me now. That's who I am and no matter what I do, I can't make it stop. It doesn't go away."

"Jensen," Jared starts although he has no idea what he wants to say, just wants to make him stop, wants to make the pain leave Jensen's voice.

"I remember how I felt ... before." Jared hears Jensen swallow heavily even from down there. "It was bearable then. It was ... okay, to live with it. But now? Sam, you're already so ... fuck ... you're so deep under my skin already there's no way I can ignore that now.

"There's no way I can ignore just how I feel about you now," Jensen repeats, lower, clearly not used to saying things like that out loud, to being so open about what he feels.

It scrapes at Jared's heart.

"I just need you back," Jared confesses, to hell with manly attitude and no-talking-about-feelings-rules. They're too far gone, in too deep already.

"Dean, all we've been doing since you came back is ripping each other's heads off! We're constantly fighting and I can't take it anymore! Not when I just want to wrap my arms around you and be happy that you're here!

Jared blinks heavily, takes a shuddering breath.

"We're tearing each other apart. Like we did back then and I don't know if I can get through it alive a second time."

He watches Jensen shrug helplessly. "I told you. I don't know what you want from me."

They're silent for a moment, like floating in the eye of a storm and Jensen's ready to turn around and walk when he suddenly turns back, a frown showing on his face.

"You know what? With all the goddamn talking about me and my fucking feelings for you - when do we start talking about you for a change, huh? And how you haven't exactly felt so much different than me!"

"What are you talking about?" Jared asks, exaggerated.

And they're back again, anger tense between them, like a taut rubber band.

"Oh, come on! At least have the decency not to lie to my face, Jared!" Jensen shouts. "When are we gonna speak about how you didn't immediately push me away when I kissed you in the kitchen? About how you fucking kissed me back! And not like me, you knew damn well who I was!"

"What?" Jared croaks, feels heat creeping up his face.

"With every moment that I fucked up, you did not exactly say no, Sam. I know you. I knew you back then and I know you now and that's not you saying no. That's you saying ‘I'm not sure’."

Jared breathes heavily, doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to answer to that. 'It's not true!' he wants to scream, but he doesn't, no words are coming from his mouth. 

"Fucking thought so," Jensen says, darkly, turns on his heels and walks out of his sight and Jared wants to laugh, wants to yell _'Where are you even going up there?'_ but he doesn't feel like laughing. He feels more like crying.

~+++~

Jared snaps again, the very next day.

Jensen avoids every contact, doesn't touch, doesn't talk, doesn't even look at him if he can manage and Jared's done. If this is a stupid game of chicken, seeing who will throw his arms up first and call do-over, then so be it. Jensen can win for all Jared cares. He can only hold a grudge for so long, can only live in this stupid version of a fight for so long and he needs his Jensen back with him, needs not to wake up with a lump in his belly knowing that something is so wrong between him and the one person he loves most in his life.

"We need to talk," Jared announces, more sure than he actually feels, and closes Jensen's trailer door behind himself. They're done for the day, only grabbing a shower and changing clothes and waiting for Clif to fetch them. This is a good as time as any, so Jared just walks right into his friend's trailer and confronts him.

Jensen only throws him a look and, for a second, Jared thinks he can hear the clench of the other man's teeth.

"You wanna start this again?" the other man asks, deadly calm.

"I want you ... I want you to know, that I love you, but not ... not like that," Jared says with a shaky voice, and God, he feels awful, feels all wrong and off and he doesn't even know where this is coming from, just keeps on talking. Like a train wreck, he can't stop. "And I want you to ... to try, and get your life back, okay? You have a beautiful girlfriend that you love very much and I have mine and we're both gonna get married and we will have a happy life, a normal life, okay?"

Jared feels his hands shake when he looks at Jensen, looks at how pale Jensen's face has gotten. 

"Is this your dream?" Jensen asks and he actually sounds curious, like he really wants to know. "Is that why you're clinging to this so badly? You and me, with wives and kids and dogs and the damned picket fences, living next to each other with barbeques on Sunday? Is this what you really want?"

Jared gulps, feels like Jensen's just nailed it. "It's why I did this. Twenty seven years ago I said yes to the fucking archangel and wished for this. And I can't ... Dean I can't just give up on this. Not when I..."

"When you what?"

Jared looks up again, his eyes meeting his brother's. "When I sacrificed you for this."

Jensen nods, three times, rubs his hand over his mouth. "So tell me, Sam, when I kissed you, you didn't want it? When I blew you, you didn't want that either?"

His voice has a dangerous edge, something Jared can't quite read, and Jensen comes closer, a determined look on his face.

"Show me," Jensen bites out, takes another step towards him. "Show me how you weren't able to push me away, how you had no chance to say no."

"I never said...," Jared starts, wants to tell Jensen that he would never have accused Jensen of forcing this on him. That even the idea of Jensen, of Dean, being capable of doing this is so ridiculous Jared wants to laugh at it.

But he can see in Jensen's eyes that that's exactly the problem.

Something clicks in Jared's head and it finally makes sense. All the anger, all the shouting and the fighting. Jensen, Dean, he isn't alone in this, he isn't the only one feeling all this and he didn't force anything on Jared, didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do.

And he desperately, desperately needs Jared to admit this.

Something Jared doesn't know if he's ready for. Something he's been fighting since before Dean ... since before.

"Jensen," he starts, not even knowing his next words and Jensen keeps pushing, keeps jabbing at his shoulders, keeps walking up into his space.

"You're not strong enough to keep me away? Really? If you really want to?"

"Stop it," Jared whispers but Jensen keeps coming and they're touching now, thighs to shoulders, Jensen looking up to him with heat in his eyes, fuelled by anger and ...

"Then stop me now, Jared," Jensen answers, his voice dropping lower, getting strained. "Stop me, if this is really not what you want."

And that's what he does. 

Jared wraps his hands around Jensen's arms, right below the shoulder, and he picks the other man up effortlessly, pulls him up and pushes him against the nearest wall, uses his body to pin him against it.

Jensen groans, his hands coming up to find a hold on Jared, wrapping around his elbows. Jared sees the look on Jensen's face, sees him bite down on his lip and he thinks _'shit, shit'_ , before his body presses even closer to the other man so completely at his mercy.

It's supposed to stop Jensen, supposed to make him still or shrink back.

Instead, Jared finds himself doing exactly what Jensen wants. Maybe what they both want.

They're only inches away from one another. Both panting, both staring, their breaths mingling. Jared starts shaking with the effort of holding Jensen, the adrenaline from the moment before slowly leaving, of pressing him against the wall and he bites his lips when he feels Jensen's legs wrapped around his waist.

Jensen's eyes are dark and blown, they skitter from Jared's eyes to his mouth and back and Jared watches Jensen lick his lips, again and again, and it's maddening.

They are past needing words now. 

There's nothing more to say when Jensen tightens his hold on Jared's hips, when they push closer and push their groins together and Jared still doesn't let go.

Jensen moves his head forward. Just an inch, barely noticeable, but Jared shies away from it, keeps the narrow distance they still have. He feels Jensen's growl throughout his own body.

Jared feels his own eyes dart towards Jensen's mouth, feels them zone in completely on those sinful lips, and this time it's him leaning forward, not even knowing what he's really doing, just wanting to taste those lips.

Jensen pulls his head back, his almost black eyes meeting Jared's in a challenge.

And, with sudden clarity, Jared knows what he wants. What he needs.

Him.

All of him. Every part that is his brother and every part that is Jensen. He wants it all and not anything less.

And it's more important than long-forgotten dreams, than wishes made a long time ago. All he ever wanted is the man in front of him, and that doesn't seem to ever change.

Jared keeps his eyes locked with Jensen this time as he moves forward, watching the want rise in the other man's eyes. They both know what's coming and their bodies are screaming with it.

"Alright, guys. Ready to go?"

The shout comes from outside the door and they both startle at Clif's voice. Carefully, slowly, Jared lets Jensen down, lets go of the tight grip he had on him and takes a step back, their gazes still locked within each other.

The movement breaks the moment between them, but not the tension, and Jared can feel it tickle on his skin the whole way to the car.

~+++~

Jared feels like he's bursting out of his skin all the way home. Adrenaline is rushing through him, hot and strong, and he can barely keep his hands from shaking.

He can see in the tensed line of Jensen's jaw and the flexing of his forearm that Jensen is feeling the same.

Hell, he knows even Clif can feel it by the way he's keeping silent with his eyes fixed on the road before him, not even glancing once into the rearview mirror to meet their eyes.

They don't share a single word or look when the car stops in front of the house. They just step out of it, grab their stuff and keep a distance while walking up to the front door as Clif drives off behind them. 

When Jared unlocks the door, with Jensen beside him, humming with tension, he knows it's just a matter of time. A matter of who breaks first.

The thought sends a shiver down Jared's spine, makes him dizzy with anticipation. He's been hard since he slammed Jensen against the trailer wall.

It's a crazy silence settling between them when the door is closed, with the world completely shut out. It's breathless and loaded and Jared doesn't know what to do with himself, trapped between running and taking a last shot at normal or turning around and going for what he really wants. 

He turns, finally, that's what his choice is, and he finds his brother still standing by the door, a stern look fixating on him. Jared can see the other man swallow, can hear the fast breaths he's taking even from where he's standing and when his eyes travel lower, he can see the bulge forming in his jeans, matching his own.

A shudder goes through Jared and he closes his eyes briefly.

When he opens them again, Jensen's slowly pulling his jacket off, letting it fall to the floor with a silent thud. Without breaking their gaze, he goes for his sweater next, gets rid of it in one smooth motion and, when he holds his arms up, a sliver of soft, naked flesh where the t-shirt's riding up is pulling Jared's eyes away from Jensen's face.

He feels his mouth go dry.

It's when the shirt is gone and Jensen's standing there half naked, wide expanses of skin making Jared's fingers twitch, that Jared goes for his own clothes, pulls off his sweater and his shirt in one go.

He sees his brother's eyes go dark and his teeth start biting his lower lip, but Jensen doesn't say anything. Instead, his hand pulls down the zipper of his jeans, the open button already giving a peek at the soft happy trail Jared suddenly can't wait to follow with his eyes and fingers and tongue.

"Last chance," Jensen rasps when they're both down to their boxer-briefs, and the tone does crazy things with Jared's insides.

Jared staying quiet seems to be all Jensen needs and he slowly, carefully walks up to Jared.

Jared can't move, he can feel his heart beating in his throat, feels nervous and small again, like the little brother again, with Dean calling the shots. 

"Jared," Jensen says and it feels like a question so Jared nods, not meeting the other man's eyes, too nervous to focus on anything when all he can feel is the heat of another body caressing his skin.

"Sammy," Jensen says his name again and Jared's eyes dart up, meet his brother's, and he can see the same nervousness, the same fear of crossing the line they've crossed far too many times now, but this time, for real. For good.

Jared nods again, his eyes not leaving his brother's this time.

Both of Jensen's hands come up, one curling around his neck, the other settling in his hair and pulling softly.

Jared goes willingly, follows where Jensen's leading and he falls into the kiss naturally, meets his brother's lips like it's what he's supposed to do.

It's heaven. 

His brother's mouth is soft against his, moving gently, just like Jared had seen him kiss the endless parade of woman in their past life and in this present one. Jared sneaks his hands around the other man's waist, hands only settling on his hips, but Jensen jerks under the touch, a soft moan traveling from his mouth into Jared's.

He's still nervous, still unsure of what to do with a man, with his brother, but he can't not touch, can't not press closer and give in to the soft probing of Jensen's tongue against his lips, coaxing his mouth open to let him in.

It's heaven and it's hell and wrong and right and Jared loves every second of it. Loves tasting Jensen on his tongue, loves nudging his nose against his brother's cheek and feeling his hand in his hair, trembling and tugging.

They come up for air, finally, and when they break apart, they're both panting, shivering with the force of what they're doing.

Jared catches his brother's eyes and is hit with a mix of hunger and love, but deeper than that, more obvious, is the fear in Jensen's eyes, the tremble of his lower lip that tells Jared that Jensen's still waiting for the other shoe to drop, still waiting for Jared to push him away, and deep down, maybe still hoping for it.

It's his new M.O., Jared thinks. Not leaving the issue alone like he used to do back then, but forcing it, bringing it to blow up and forcing the choices to be made no matter how wrong they might be in the heat of the moment.

Jared wants to tell his brother what an idiot he is, that his new way of solving problems isn't much better than his old one. Wants to tell him that he can just stop trying to want what's best for Sam, Jared, because it never gets them anywhere. They always end up wanting the same thing anyway, sooner or later, and maybe, just maybe, they should just learn to give in.

“I’m done fighting,” Jared whispers, desperate to meet Jensen’s eyes. “I’m done, okay? I’m done.” He makes sure Jensen hears him, makes sure Jensen gets what he’s saying.

It takes a moment, a breathless, tension-filled moment, and then something slams home inside Jared, the meaning of his own words hitting him, breaking all inhibitions left loose. It's him moving forward this time, reaching for his brother and closing the distance between them. His kiss is nothing like Jensen's, all desperation and hunger, but Jensen matches him immediately, like he has only been waiting for permission.

Jared is hit by the edge of the dresser behind him and he groans into Jensen's mouth, not knowing if he has pulled the other man with him or has been pushed by him against the furniture. But it doesn't matter, he's too busy licking his way into the other man's mouth, clawing at his skin.

It's a rush, exploding inside his head, how Jensen feels against him, how he tastes, all strong and pliable, all soft and hard edges. He tastes familiar and new, and the sounds he makes, Jared drinks them all in, wants to drown in them.

"Jensen," Jared breathes between them and Jensen growls, shoves his thigh between Jared's legs and forces a groan out of his throat.

They stumble in the hallway, wrapped up in each other. They hit against furniture and the wall far too many times, until they finally make it through Jensen's bedroom door, and tomorrow, tomorrow they will find their hallway a mess, with clothes lying everywhere, with pictures hanging on the walls at weird angles, but now, now there's only them, Sam and Dean, Jensen and Jared, and nothing else in the world.

"Jared, come on," Jensen says huskily, lying on the bed and looking up to him.

For a second Jared doesn't move, just lets his eyes travel over the sight laid out in front of him, Jensen, almost naked, the sign of his arousal clear in his eyes and even more so in the tenting of his boxer-briefs. And it's all laid out for him.

"Jesus, Sam, come here,"Jensen says again, impatiently, and Jared moves this time, crawls over the length of his brother, nips and licks at every spot of skin he can find along the way, eliciting the most amazing noises from the other man.

"Fucking ... Jared, damn it." Jensen's done with waiting, pulls Jared up and he finds his mouth easily, sucks in his lower lip and Jared shudders, moans when their tongues meet, dancing and caressing and Jared gets lost in it, for a moment, but it isn't enough.

"Let me ..." Jared breathes, pulls away and buries himself against Jensen's throat, bites down only to lick gently over the spot.

Jensen bucks beneath him, his fingers digging into Jared's ass, pressing them closer together and they both gasp at the shockingly sweet feeling of their erections meeting, separated by only thin fabric.

"No, let me, Dean," Jared pleads again when Jensen tries to turn the tables, to get the upper hand, but he's not as strong as Jared, not when Jared puts his mind to it, and Jared can feel his brother give up, give in, and offering himself up so willingly it makes his heart stutter inside Jared's chest.

"Oh my fucking ...," Jensen curses when Jared bites down on his hip, and starts moving his tongue over the soft skin until he's found his navel and starts traveling lower, starts following the happy trail just like he wanted to and suddenly he can't wait to rip the last remaining barrier between them down. Jared feels his mouth water when Jensen's underwear is gone and his beautiful hard dick lies on display before Jared.

He doesn't hesitate, doesn't think anymore about what he's doing, what they’re doing, just flicks his tongue over the head, gathering droplets of precum and he's already addicted to the taste. 

Jensen keeps on moaning and cursing over him, his words filthy and endearing, a mix he doesn't seem able to control, and he's not holding anything back, just lets himself go like he knows that it's what Jared so desperately needs. 

Jared licks along the length of his brother's cock, suckles the tip just to lick down again, nipping and tasting the spots where his brother's scent is the strongest. He doesn't give Jensen a real blow job, he wouldn't really know how to do that anyway. It's not what he wants, not now, so he laps at him, moves his lips and tongue down Jensen's dick and further to his balls, sucking them in one by one and not coming up for air before he needs to. 

"You're killing me, man," Jensen groans above him, but his hands are buried in Jared's hair, not forcing him, not guiding him, just holding on. 

"I need, God, I need..." Jared babbles as his tongue finds Jensen's hole, as his brother's taste explodes inside his mouth.

"Need to ... need to be inside you. Can I? Jensen, Dean, can I?"

His eyes find his brother's, heated, hungry gazes locking and then it seems to hit Jensen what Jared just asked and he keens low in his throat, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"Oh, jesus fucking ... shit!" Jensen growls, doesn't say yes but spreads his legs a little more, gives his consent by pushing his ass up a little more, giving his brother access.

Jared crawls up the bed, fumbles blindly for what he needs in Jensen's bedside drawer and he's lucky, he finds a condom and some lube where he hoped it would be.

When he's back above Jensen, covering the smaller man beneath him, Jensen slaps the condom out of Jared's hands, pants ,"wanna feel you" and mumbles something about "got tested". He's right, they even went together, doing it for their girlfriends like the good boyfriends they were, but that was a lifetime ago, and the thought of his girlfriend only grazes Jared's mind before it's gone completely.

"Hurry," Jensen urges him on when the first lube coated finger enters him and later, much later Jared will find the time to make fun of his brother, mock how he's begging for it, will use it to go extra slow and drive his brother out of his mind, but now he barely can wait himself, preps Jensen like he hopes is right and enough. But he can't stop licking, can't stop putting his mouth on every inch of skin his brother offers him and it takes some time until they're finally ready, until Jared can finally push in.

He goes as slow as he can, his body shaking with the effort of keeping still, but Jensen hisses, pain obvious on his face, so Jared waits.

"Move.” Jensen croaks after what feels like a lifetime, but then he sounds urgent, doesn't wait for Jared but moves on his own, and Jared groans, long and loud and open and he can't believe it, can't believe he's here, with Jensen, with his brother, and he's letting him do this, letting him want this and wanting it all the same.

All the reasons why he's been fighting this seem ridiculous and small against this, against being buried inside the man he loves. That he's loved longer than his life. 

"Move, dammit," Jensen swears, his hands blindly reaching for Jared's, pulling him closer. Jared starts moving, slow at first but soon enough the sensation is too much and his hips start their own rhythm, a counterpart to his brother's and it's just perfect.

Jensen's gorgeous beneath him. One hand keeping a tight grip on Jared's hand, the other jerking himself, something Jared wants to do next time, but not right now, not when he can't take his eyes from the sight before him.

"Yes, fuck, yes," Jensen moans, throwing his head back and he comes, shooting pearly white strings of cum over the hard plains of his stomach and chest and Jared can't resist, can't for a second resist, and he surges forward, lapping at his brother's cum, savouring the taste.

His own climax's not far away, he can already feel it tingling in his spine, his balls drawn up tight and it only needs one more push, one more soft gasp from Jensen beneath him and he's coming, emptying himself inside his brother's body, his own cum engulfing him in the wet soft heat.

"Dude, now would be a good time to pull out of me," Jensen says, nudging Jared's shoulder but when their eyes meet, Jensen's are glowing with happiness and love and amusement, something Jared has never seen before.

"No," Jared murmurs into his brother's chest and only tightens his hold. He only wants to go deeper, to bury himself inside the other man deep enough that there's no way he could ever lose him again.

It's not even a conscious decision, but the burning need inside him when his hips start moving again, picking up a slow pace.

"Jesus, fuck, you can't be serious," Jensen rasps but his hips stutter and they push up slightly, meeting Jared's every shallow thrust. It hurts a little, somehow, the friction on his oversensitive dick, but Jared can't stop the movement of his body, can't bring himself let go of his brother just yet.

And soon he's hard again, growing inside Jensen, and he feels the other man writhing underneath him, can see his cock filling up again too. His arms tremble with the effort of holding himself up, his mouth no longer coordinated enough to do anything more than to latch onto Jensen's neck, sucking more and more marks into his brother's skin. It doesn't seem to make a difference to Jensen though, he thrashes on the bed, sounds coming out of his throat Jared has never heard from him and it only spurs him on, only feeding the hunger inside him that he still can't calm.

"Sammy," Jensen moans and something seems to get through to Jensen, his senses obviously picking up on Jared's, Sam's, despair, just like always, and even though Jensen's a beautiful mess underneath him, he manages to find Jared's mouth, manages to suck his tongue inside his mouth, gets Jared deeper.

Jared's orgasm hits him suddenly and unexpectedly and with full force. He's only distantly aware that Jensen's coming too, a shudder rippling through his whole body, kicking what's left of Jared's strength right out of his arms, his body crashing down on Jensen's and the other man only moans and arches against him.

Jared doesn't come back immediately, floats in a peaceful place where his mind is blissfully blank. But when he does, he feels strong arms around him, holding him tight, and only then does he realize that he's shaking, trembling, and that the gasping sounds he hears are coming out of his own throat.

"Shhh," Jensen breathes into his ear and keeps the hold he has on him. He doesn't pet Jared, doesn't rock him, but he keeps on holding him tight enough to make him feel safe and that's all Jared needs.

Jared's breaking inside, can feel every single piece bursting apart, slicing through him, but Jensen's there, his brother is there, to hold him until it's over.

He doesn't cry, but he doesn't breathe either, heaves and gulps until the worst is over, until his heart is slowing down and his throat doesn't hurt as much. 

Jensen's arms engulf him until he stops trembling, until the warmth of Jensen's body and the smell of his skin is not the only thing keeping him alive, is only nice and wonderful and something he loves.

"Dude, seriously," Jensen chuckles, wriggles his hips and Jared hisses when a jolt of pleasure-pain shoots down his spine and this time he pulls out, carefully, but Jensen still pulls a face.

"Don't fall asleep on me," Jensen warns, gets out of bed and suddenly Jared feels so cold, he doesn't know how he's supposed to fall asleep like this. But then Jensen's back, a wet washcloth rubbing gently over his skin, cleaning him up. 

When Jensen's crawling back into bed with him, pulling him into a tight embrace, he can't fight his eyes falling closed, can't fight falling asleep in the arms of the man he loves.

~+++~

When Jared wakes up the next morning, he can finally breathe again. Like a strong weight had been lifted off his shoulder, his lungs, and he finds himself smiling when he blinks against the sunlight falling through the open curtain. The bed is rumbled, the covers all over the place, but the place beside him is still warm and Jared touches the sheets, inhaling Jensen's scent still clinging to them.

He enjoys it, bathes in the warm feeling that's filling him for a moment, but when he hears some faint noises from the kitchen and the telltale signs of his dogs pattering around on the hardwood floor, he suddenly doesn't want to be alone anymore.

He finds Jensen at the kitchen door, just letting the dogs out to the backyard, and Jared blushes when he looks at him, like he's seeing someone new and unfamiliar. Someone he's only fallen in love with just yesterday and not a lifetime ago. But the feeling underneath, when Jensen turns and looks up to him, has always been a part of him.

Jared can see the blush on Jensen's face too and he can't fight the smile appearing on his lips. They're behaving like school girls when they're really much, much older than that.

"I made coffee," Jensen says quietly and the rasp in his voice sends chills down Jared's spine. 

Jensen motions to the kitchen counter where two steaming cups are standing. 

Jared nods quietly and watches Jensen reach for his own cup, turning his back to him. Jared takes a few steps, right into Jensen’s warmth and towers over him, almost touches him when he reaches for his own cup. Almost – but not quite. 

He feels Jensen tense underneath him, feels the other man still for a second, and then Jensen breathes out and relaxes. 

It sends a chill down Jared’s spine when he sees that Jensen has his eyes closed. Like he’s enjoying Jared’s proximity, like he’s breathing him in.

Jared nudges closer and Jensen’s hair tickles his nose. 

Jensen shudders in front of him, clears his throat and moves away, but Jared feels something warm and nice spread inside him as he sees that Jensen’s not stepping far away, hovers close to him.  
They sip their coffees in comfortable silence, leaning against the kitchen counter and looking out of the window, watching the dogs play in the yard.

It's quiet around them, like the storm of the last few weeks is finally over.

Like they kept fighting to stay away from where they belong and now that they've both given in, the sun has risen after a rough night and is giving them a beautiful and peaceful morning.

When Jensen’s done with his coffee, he rummages around the kitchen, puts things away and Jared watches him quietly. 

He doesn’t feel creepy about it, loves that he’s finally able to do that. Just stand there and watch. Every now and then Jensen will look up and throw him a small smile, will comment on something or other and their morning flies by in a sweet rush, but gentle and calm. 

It feels like they have already shared two lifetimes, like they know each other in and out. And at the same time, it's something new and fresh, that thing flickering between them. Old feelings are finally being dragged to the surface, adding to the one's that had built up in this life as well. 

Jared feels nervous, feels his stomach flutter when he looks at Jensen walking up to him after he’s done.

But Jensen takes another step, pushes himself as close to Jared without actually touching him, just like Jared had done before, and Jared breathes him in, feels the other man's body heat and is instantly calmed. They're drawn to each other, seek each other out like magnets and that's nothing new just ... something more now.

Both men relax against the counter, their arms brushing with every move.

"Where do we go from here?" Jared whispers finally, after playing with the thought in his mind for the last hour, and the words hurt leaving his throat. He's too afraid of the answer, even though, deep down, he knows there can only be one.

Jensen doesn't look at him, but he turns his face towards him, his nose almost brushing Jared's neck. It's unconscious, Jared would swear it, but it tells him everything he needs to know. "We have to decide," Jensen says quietly, more to himself than to Jared. "We have to choose between us ... and them."

Jared watches Jensen, spots how he closes his eyes briefly and something like pain flashes over his beautiful features. It's the same feeling that's washing through Jared.

Because they both love their girlfriends, they were both ready to spend the rest of their lives with them. But when Jensen looks up and meets Jared's eyes, here and now, they both know that in no world could either of them ever choose someone else but the other.

~+++~


	8. epilogue

~+++~

Jared watches Jensen from his spot in the corner. Watches him talk to Jim, motion at the camera guys, check things with the lightning crew. He can't keep the proud smile off his face, feels like he's bursting with it. Pride, happiness, relief, _home_. 

If this is the reward for his past life, he sure must have done more right than he knows, touched more people's lives than he is aware of, because there's no way this could be any better.

Jensen is totally engrossed in what he's doing, relaxed but focused, and although Jared's more than done for the day he can't keep his eyes off the other man. It's not like he's new to doing this. Watching.

All his past life he was looking at Dean, looking up to him, watching him carefully, studying him. It doesn't feel much different now that he's watching Jensen and seeing so much he knows and many things that are new.

Jensen is completely at ease with himself, happy and content, and Jared aches just seeing it. There's a part of him that wishes Dean could have had this earlier, but then Jensen in front of him glances over for a second, his eyes going soft as they meet Jared's, and Jared's just glad that he can have this now.

"You are amazing," Jared whispers when Jensen pauses next to him, seeking Jared’s presence unconsciously as soon as they call a short break.

Jensen turns around, throws Jared a smile. 

"I'm proud of you, man."

Jensen's face turns serious and he nods, his eyes soft and warm and thankful and Jared can see that his words mean something to him, even before Jensen brushes their fingers with a secret, swift touch and says, "Thank you."

Jared grips Jensen's hand, doesn't let the touch go and pulls the other man a little closer. The crew around them doesn't pay them any attention.

"Jensen? Do you think that this is what would have happened if we didn't get pulled from our world?" Jared asks, his gaze traveling over the set.

"Doesn't matter," Jensen answers and when Jared's eyes land on his face, Jensen's lips stretch into a smile, just like he's only realizing something now. "This is just a story now. Something we can make up and change and tell just the way we want it. No old memories, no old mistakes."

"Do you miss it sometimes, Dean?" Jared whispers and something tugs at his heart. "Our old lives? Our old world? You know, Bobby, Cas? The hunting? Saving people?" He's afraid of Jensen's answer, suddenly, because if he asks himself the same thing, he's not sure about his own answer. Sometimes, only in some rare moments, he finds that he does.

But as Jared watches Jensen, the other man breaks into a bright smile, chuckling softly to himself.

"What? What are you smiling about?" Jared asks, his heart lifting already.

Jensen looks at him and there's a blush forming on his face, but his voice is open and amused when he answers. "I'm gonna say something incredibly cheesy now and you have the right to mock me for the rest of our lives."

"And the next?" Jared asks, grinning himself.

Jensen nods. "And the next."

"Okay, let's hear it."

Jensen's eyes meet his. "The only thing that mattered back there is here with me now."

Jared doesn't feel like laughing and mocking. He feels a lump building in his throat, tightens his grip on Jensen's hands and great, now he's about to cry like a little girl and he's just singlehandedly giving Jensen enough mocking ammo to last for a lifetime.

But Jensen doesn't say anything, his smile only deepens, a simple understanding glistening in his eyes.

"Genevieve called today," Jared says, wants to change the subject but it's also something he's been dying to tell his brother.

"And?" Jensen answers, tensed, braced for anything and everything.

"It was ... good," Jared says, nodding. "Really good. She sounds great and happy and we talked for half an hour and it was absolutely normal."

Jensen squeezes his hand, looking as relieved as Jared feels. "That's great, Jared," he says and he probably understands more than anyone, how important it was for Jared not to lose her completely.

"Oh, now you that mention it. Danneel has to postpone our dinner, but she insists that you're coming."

"No," Jared whines, playing it up a notch or two. "A double-date, really? I don't want to meet this Greg guy! What if I hate him?"

"Then we do what we have to and tell Danneel that he's not good enough for her," Jensen answers, his words all but missing a 'duh' at the end.

"Who even double-dates with their ex-turned-gay?" Jared asks, motioning wildly with his hands without letting go of Jensen's.

His friend just shrugs. "It's Dani," he says like that explains everything, but they both share a fond smile for her and Jared knows that he will be going to that date. And he'll probably hate the guy just on principle, because no one's good enough for their precious Danneel.

"Misha!" Jensen suddenly exclaims, his body jerking and startling Jared with it. They jump away from each other, letting go of each other's hands like they just got burned. Jared's sure they are both wearing matching blushes on their cheeks right now.

Misha, standing silently just behind them, just looks from one man to the other. "You're funny,” he states dryly, in his best Castiel-voice. "Thinking that you're being subtle and all. Like the whole set hasn't noticed the way you're all over each other."

Jared can only feel the heat on his face deepen, but he doesn't say anything.

"Okay, is there a point?" Jensen asks when Misha just keeps on looking at them.

"Well, just for the record," Misha starts and he somehow sounds annoyed. "My brother is making me do this."

 _'Brother?'_ Jared wants to ask but Misha just keeps on going and with every sentence, it just gets weirder.

"He's really pissed at me that you summoned him and screamed at him when it really was technically my fault." He's looking at Jared saying this and Jared feels slow because he's not following any of it.

"And boy can that guy hold a grudge, I mean, I thought he was getting over it by now, but nope, he still won't even speak to me and you know, even though he's kind of like a big child, I really like him and he's the only family I have left here, so I figured if I'd just explain it to you guys, he will forgive me someday."

"What?" Jensen only asks after what feels like minutes of silence going by.

Misha's eyes turn to Jensen and Jared can see them soften a little, a guilty frown appearing on Misha's face. "I am sorry, Dean. That I made it so hard on you, but it was the only way I could do it. And I had to make it slow enough not to crack open your skull in the process, so I hope you can forgive me about all the nightmares and the weird things you were going through. But it all worked out in the end, right?"

His smile is hopeful and Jared still doesn't understand a word.

"I don't understand," Jared speaks his thoughts out loud.

Misha takes a step towards them, his voice dropping lower.

"I've spent a long time with you, back then and now. It took me a while to see it, I admit, but now I could just hit myself over the head for not noticing it all along."

Misha must see the confusion on both their faces because he goes on. "For every person out there, he's not your brother, not here."

Misha nods his head in Jensen's direction.

"You wanted a second chance, Sam. I just made sure you two got the right one." 

There are exactly four heartbeats of silence before Jensen and Jared seem to get it at the same time.

"... Cas?!" they both gasp in unison.

~the end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys, for going on this wilde ride with me! Thank you for all the kudos and comments! :)


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